A Tale as Old as Time

One of my favorite things about working at the DA's office is listening to war stories. One such gem was told to me by my boss on Friday about a prostitution case he tried a few years ago...

My boss put a witness with slightly questionable morals on the stand. There had been rumors about this woman participating in some not so appropriate acts with a 14 year old boy and it was time for the defense counsel to cross.

Defense: What time did this happen?

Witness: I don't know.

Defense, louder this time: What time did this happen??

Witness: I don't know.

Defense, yelling: WHAT TIME DID THIS HAPPEN?!

Witness starts laughing hysterically.

Defense: A man's life is on the line here, tell me what is so damn funny!!!

Witness, still laughing: They ain't got no clocks in the crack house!

Apparently that comment got everyone in the court room giggling--the jury, the attorneys, the bailiffs, and the judge himself who could've been "a hundred and seven years old" according to my boss.

Justice: 1, Sex Offender: 0

I should get my blogging privileges taken away since I rarely do it nowadays. But, on to bigger and better things....

I started my internship at the DA's office last Wednesday. It is seriously one of the coolest, most interesting internships I've ever had. The attorneys in the division I'm interning in are firm believers of learning by doing. Since I'm the only undergrad student in our division (maybe even the only one, period), it takes me a little bit longer to get things than the two other interns that just finished their 2L year. So, I pretty much keep my mouth shut and listen/learn until I'm confused, have a question, or decide to make a joke. I've been shadowing the Chief Prosecutor for the past couple of days. He's this huge black man who looks incredibly intimidating but is one of the nicest, coolest guys I've ever met (even though he gave me roughly 600 pages of sex offender therapy records to read).

Because our office has a "learning by doing" philosophy, the two other interns and I are able to sit and watch a few trials each week. I have already learned so much about court proceedings, motions, subpoenas, witnesses, plea bargains, and a bunch of stuff about the Texas Criminal Code. For some reason I've really enjoyed watching voir dire. Maybe it's because that process isn't something I'm very familiar with at this point. However, I bet I'll be sick of it by the time the summer ends.

Today, one of the interns and I had a huge victory over a printer. How many interns does it take to make a phone call and print a subpoena duces tecum for medical records? Three. (I had no idea there were different kinds of subpoenas until today.)

Also, the Crimes Against Children Unit served up some justice today by locking away a former Yankees player for aggravated sexual assault. Go prosecutors!

So, needless to say, I'm really enjoying this internship and I'm very excited to go to the office every day--even though I have to wake up at 6:30 every morning.

Shakespeare's... ahhhhh

Even though the ATX might have been the death of me, it was an absolute blast!

We met with the Governor (rich tool whose ass will be dominated by KBH in the gubernatorial election), the Lieutenant Governor (robot who doesn't wear Vineyard Vines ties), Speaker of the House, and various other State Representatives and Senators. The House also passed a resolution in our honor. We're just that big of a deal. The schmoozing part was easy and fun but didn't compare to 6th Street.

Wednesday night was spent at the Four Seasons bar (high class) where I accidently spilled a drink on my lap (not so classy). The company I kept consisted of four guys. I loved my odds. Anyway, we went to a weird techno dance bar first that reminded me of the Eurotrash bar Yeti and I ended up at one night on K Street. We left after one of the guys accidently kicked a beer bottle off the second floor staircase and almost hit some guy (take note of all these accidents). So, we went down the street to Shakespeare's and spent a few hours there. I did my friendly duty of buying a round of shots for our crew. Apparently there were also girls flashing us from the stage. They must not have been impressive enough because I didn't remember that. Oh, and we ate pizza at the end of the night. That is something else I don't remember.... Or, maybe my mind just wants to block out the stripper moments. That has to be it.

The next morning we had to be up at 6:30. That really sucked. Welcome to the real world: You have fun at bars with your friends, then you have to work in the morning! Woo hoo! I feel like a real politician/lobbyist now! 

As exhausted as I was last night when we got home, that trip will forever be one of my favorite trips I've ever taken. And "Shakespeare's" has become a terribly hilarious inside joke for those of us who were there. Awesome trip.

Toilet Humor

So, I'm sick again. According to a nurse at my doctor's office that I talked to over the phone yesterday, I have a mild case of the flu. But, don't worry, I got my flu shot so it shouldn't get any worse. If it does get worse, I'm stuck with more time in the hospital than I spent in jail that one unfortunate New Year's Day. No one has time for that. The worst part about it is that I can't laugh without it turning into a terrible coughing fit. Come. Freaking. On. I have the same professor for two of my classes (one of the perks of attending a small private school) and he's absolutely hysterical. Every single time I laughed/coughed up a lung, he'd make fun of me which would, in turn, increase my bouts of laugh-coughing. What a fun game that was.

I haven't mentioned my roommates before because I'm afraid they will discover this blog and get pissed. Why? Because of posts like this one: I have a blonde roommate and a brunette roommate. Blonde is single; Brunette has a Jewish boyfriend of roughly 11 months that has told her blatantly that they have no future together because he is Jewish and she is Catholic (say it with me: womp womp). 

Brunette sucks. She's insecure so she tries to belittle me with ridiculous comments that should break a fragile little girl down (one such as herself). I roll my eyes and continue to piss her off and hope she feels better about herself when she says such things to me. At least until I backhand her and she learns her place. (Okay, fine, that's never going to happen; I'll leave it to a future abusive boyfriend. Was that distasteful? My bad.) C'est la vie. Moving on. 

Brunette and I share a bathroom on the first floor of our house. The toilet broke last night. I noticed the break first and decided to deal with it later on in the night once the time suited me. But before I could get to it, Brunette's boyfriend used the toilet and it went psycho on him. Apparently water was coming out from the base of the toilet and it was over flowing and everything. Brunette starts flipping shit... literally shit might've started coming out (I don't know, I stayed in my room pretending to read for class... hell, the toilet wasn't my problem anymore). My room is right next to the bathroom and our walls are thin so I could hear pretty much everything. Here's basically how it went down:

Brunette: FUCK! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! WHY IS IT FUCKING DOING THAT?!

Her Boyfriend: Dude, I don't know. (As he is plunging the toilet.)

Brunette: WHY IS THIS FUCKING HAPPENING?! UUUUUUGH! WHAT DO I DO?! WHAT DO I DO!?

Her Boyfriend: I don't know. Looks like I'm doing everything anyway.

Brunette: WE NEED TOWELS! UUUUUGH! WHY DON'T WE HAVE RAGS OR CRAPPY TOWELS?! I DON'T WANT TO USE THE GOOD ONES! I'LL GET PAPER TOWELS!

Her Boyfriend: Gross! Don't get paper towels. That's disgusting. (He's still plunging away as if his life depended on it.)

Brunette: WELL WHAT DO I DO?! THIS IS A MAN'S JOB! WHAT WOULD I DO IF YOU WEREN'T HERE?!

Her Boyfriend: You'd probably be screaming your damn head off even more. And you'd probably be crying.

Brunette: FUCK YOU, BOYFRIEND! (Slash insert name of her boyfriend there.)

--I stop paying attention for a while and go back to watching South Park.

Blonde Roommate: Did you see what happened to your toilet?

Me: No, why?

Blonde: It's like overflowing and stuff. It's really gross.

Me: Oh, that sucks.

Blonde: Shouldn't you probably be helping or at least doing something?

Me: --Silence--

--Blonde walks away.

I had texted our landlord about an hour prior to Brunette's boyfriend making the toilet break completely. Come to think of it, our landlord never responded. So, essentially, I did help out the situation. I just didn't have to physically deal with it. But now I have to go upstairs to use Blonde's bathroom when I have to piss. That's annoying.

Facebook cracks me up. Correction- OpEds about Facebook crack me up. See below:

You Can't Friend Me, I Quit! - Steve Tuttle

"On Facebook's fifth anniversary, a not-so-fond farewell."

25 Things I Didn't Want to Know About You - Claire Suddath

"People write 25 facts about themselves and post them on their Facebook pages."

No Class on Fridays is Great

This story makes me smile and want to cry at the same time. The goodbye's can be so tough but it's the hello's that are better than anything. This story is just so great.

I'm going on an adventure in two weeks to lobby for the Texas Tuition Equalization Grant Program. I was invited by the former Student Body President and the people going aren't the usual people I run around with. So, I'm really excited! And the school is paying for everything. It'll be fun hanging around with people I don't really hang out with and spending two days in the Texas Capitol (which is taller than the US Capitol, lest anyone ever forgets). Plus, who doesn't like schmoozing with lawmakers? Personally, it's one of my most favorite past times.