Toilet Humor

So, I'm sick again. According to a nurse at my doctor's office that I talked to over the phone yesterday, I have a mild case of the flu. But, don't worry, I got my flu shot so it shouldn't get any worse. If it does get worse, I'm stuck with more time in the hospital than I spent in jail that one unfortunate New Year's Day. No one has time for that. The worst part about it is that I can't laugh without it turning into a terrible coughing fit. Come. Freaking. On. I have the same professor for two of my classes (one of the perks of attending a small private school) and he's absolutely hysterical. Every single time I laughed/coughed up a lung, he'd make fun of me which would, in turn, increase my bouts of laugh-coughing. What a fun game that was.

I haven't mentioned my roommates before because I'm afraid they will discover this blog and get pissed. Why? Because of posts like this one: I have a blonde roommate and a brunette roommate. Blonde is single; Brunette has a Jewish boyfriend of roughly 11 months that has told her blatantly that they have no future together because he is Jewish and she is Catholic (say it with me: womp womp). 

Brunette sucks. She's insecure so she tries to belittle me with ridiculous comments that should break a fragile little girl down (one such as herself). I roll my eyes and continue to piss her off and hope she feels better about herself when she says such things to me. At least until I backhand her and she learns her place. (Okay, fine, that's never going to happen; I'll leave it to a future abusive boyfriend. Was that distasteful? My bad.) C'est la vie. Moving on. 

Brunette and I share a bathroom on the first floor of our house. The toilet broke last night. I noticed the break first and decided to deal with it later on in the night once the time suited me. But before I could get to it, Brunette's boyfriend used the toilet and it went psycho on him. Apparently water was coming out from the base of the toilet and it was over flowing and everything. Brunette starts flipping shit... literally shit might've started coming out (I don't know, I stayed in my room pretending to read for class... hell, the toilet wasn't my problem anymore). My room is right next to the bathroom and our walls are thin so I could hear pretty much everything. Here's basically how it went down:

Brunette: FUCK! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! WHY IS IT FUCKING DOING THAT?!

Her Boyfriend: Dude, I don't know. (As he is plunging the toilet.)

Brunette: WHY IS THIS FUCKING HAPPENING?! UUUUUUGH! WHAT DO I DO?! WHAT DO I DO!?

Her Boyfriend: I don't know. Looks like I'm doing everything anyway.

Brunette: WE NEED TOWELS! UUUUUGH! WHY DON'T WE HAVE RAGS OR CRAPPY TOWELS?! I DON'T WANT TO USE THE GOOD ONES! I'LL GET PAPER TOWELS!

Her Boyfriend: Gross! Don't get paper towels. That's disgusting. (He's still plunging away as if his life depended on it.)

Brunette: WELL WHAT DO I DO?! THIS IS A MAN'S JOB! WHAT WOULD I DO IF YOU WEREN'T HERE?!

Her Boyfriend: You'd probably be screaming your damn head off even more. And you'd probably be crying.

Brunette: FUCK YOU, BOYFRIEND! (Slash insert name of her boyfriend there.)

--I stop paying attention for a while and go back to watching South Park.

Blonde Roommate: Did you see what happened to your toilet?

Me: No, why?

Blonde: It's like overflowing and stuff. It's really gross.

Me: Oh, that sucks.

Blonde: Shouldn't you probably be helping or at least doing something?

Me: --Silence--

--Blonde walks away.

I had texted our landlord about an hour prior to Brunette's boyfriend making the toilet break completely. Come to think of it, our landlord never responded. So, essentially, I did help out the situation. I just didn't have to physically deal with it. But now I have to go upstairs to use Blonde's bathroom when I have to piss. That's annoying.

Facebook cracks me up. Correction- OpEds about Facebook crack me up. See below:

You Can't Friend Me, I Quit! - Steve Tuttle

"On Facebook's fifth anniversary, a not-so-fond farewell."

25 Things I Didn't Want to Know About You - Claire Suddath

"People write 25 facts about themselves and post them on their Facebook pages."