No Class on Fridays is Great

This story makes me smile and want to cry at the same time. The goodbye's can be so tough but it's the hello's that are better than anything. This story is just so great.

I'm going on an adventure in two weeks to lobby for the Texas Tuition Equalization Grant Program. I was invited by the former Student Body President and the people going aren't the usual people I run around with. So, I'm really excited! And the school is paying for everything. It'll be fun hanging around with people I don't really hang out with and spending two days in the Texas Capitol (which is taller than the US Capitol, lest anyone ever forgets). Plus, who doesn't like schmoozing with lawmakers? Personally, it's one of my most favorite past times. 

Plan E

I was flipping around earlier trying to find something to watch on TV and came across a show on The History Channel discussing the different major theories of how dinosaurs became extinct. It was awesome. 

Dinosaurs have always fascinated me. My parents bought me dinosaur figurines when I was little and I'd go around telling everyone which dinosaurs were which and The Land Before Time movies were my favorite (after The Wizard of OZ, of course). Even now I'll watch shows on The History Channel and The Discovery Channel on dinosaurs, especially the ones about their extinction. It's just incredible that we still have yet to figure out the exact cause of their death. 

So, I've decided that if life plans A.) law, B.) politics, C.) writing and, D.) international call girl all fail me, I'm going back to school to become a paleontologist. Then, I will single-handedly (along with my team of attractive younger male interns) figure out the REAL cause of the dinosaurs' demise. 

I also need to figure out a new life plan because last night I found out that Rep. Aaron Schock (R-IL) is gay. Therefore, I have no chance and we will not be getting married. Ugh. Bummer.

Was it Monday or was it just me?

White Trash Woman: I need help with a prison matter.

Me: Okay, ma'am is it a state or federal prison?

WTW: I'll let you figure that out at the end. First, you have to hear my story.

Me: Alright, go ahead.

WTW [the short version]: My daddy died in prison from liver sorosis. My brother got the same thing when he was in the same prison as my daddy but I got him better by making him drink bottles of aloe vera gel. My son is now in prison-

Me: The same prison or a different one?

WTW: A different one... it's [gives name of prison so I can Google it]. Now, he's had a broken hand since he first got in there almost two years ago and none of the doctors will treat it. And he had a really good job in the kitchen there and had to be up in there at 3:00 in the morning every day. But then, the lunch ladies or whoever the hell they are started telling him to give them sexual pleasure and fuck them or else they're going to report him to the Warden for sexual har-ASS-munt and they'll start a CASE on him. Now, I don't care that he's fucking them. They're actually doing him a favor. I know he likes to fuck and at least I know he's not fucking any of those men he's in prison with.....

WTW then goes on and on with her story and getting more and more upset by the end of it. I had figured out that her matter was of state jurisdiction and we couldn't do anything for her after she told me the name of the prison. So, I had to listen to her talk about this for about ten more minutes before I could tell her to call her State Senator.

THEN

An African-American man who had been convicted and served time for two felony kidnappings (among a few other illegal acts) called wanting God knows what about his Social Security Disability. He yelled at me and told me to stop giving him "the run-around" and giving him "setbacks" while I was trying to tell him that he wasn't in our district so we couldn't do anything for him. He wouldn't hear anything about it so he asked for someone with "ah-thor-ah-teh" in a voice that sounded just like Cartman from South Park. While I was dying laughing, I transfered him to the case worker I was there with. The guy ended up hanging up on the case worker. The guy called back about 15 minutes later and proceeded to yell at me some more before I yelled back at him and finally hung up on him because he was being so unreasonable and difficult to work with. The third time he called, another staffer tried to talk to him and tell him to call the other congressional office in town and after he wouldn't, she told him that he wasn't allowed to call our office again so he hung up on her. We didn't hear from him again for the rest of the day.

Did these crazy people call because it's a Monday or did they call just because they know I'm working? The case worker told me they haven't gotten such crazy calls before I started interning there. I attract the crazies. No wonder I'm still single.

Crazy Friday

It was just that kind of day were the most random people called the office. It was just the 28 year-old case worker and I today and we laughed for about 15 minutes straight after our very first caller of the day:

Me: Good morning, office of Congressman Badass.

Indian Man: Yes, I have a question. I have three wives over in India and I was wondering if it was okay if I married another one.

Me: Well, yes, that's okay if it's legal in India. Are you a permanent resident or a citizen?

Indian Man: I'm a permanent resident.

Me: Do you have a wife here?

Indian Man: We recently got divorced. [I'm hoping this was after she found out about his three other wives.]

Me: Okay, very good. Is there anything else?

Indian Man: Yes. Can I bring my wives over?

Me: Um. No... That's illegal in the United States. You can being one over but...

Indian Man: Oh, no, that's okay. That's fine. I'll just pick my favorite one and the rest can stay there. Thanks! -Click.-

WHAT?! We talked about that exact type of situation in my globalization class but I never thought I'd ever encounter it in person. Ri-damn-diculous. 

I also found this hilarious video this morning... High Five!

Girl, breaking's what your heart is for.

La Fonda: Do you know where the moon is?

I hesitantly point straight up to the ceiling with a "wtf?" look on my face.

La Fonda: No, you idiot! I know where THAT moon is! I was talking about the bar!

There's nothing like a little humor to start a blog post. 

I had a quasi-meltdown last night. It was like BAM! everything I have to do this semester (aka the world) settled itself squarely on my shoulders and I stumbled. I don't like stumbling or faltering or anything of that sort. I'm a composed, driven person who knows what she wants and how to get it...

Except some things just seem so far out of my reach and out of my control. Feeling out of control is horrible. 

Last night I had the same dream I've had about 4 or 5 times in the past couple of months. I went to this dream interpreter to try and decipher the code my noggin is giving me. Here's the short version: I'm apparently fucked up in the head. The weirdest part about it is that the symbols supposedly mean a lot of stuff that's completely relevant to my life right now. It's kind of like when you read a horoscope that just so happens to coincide with how you're feeling about life at that point in time. AND today when I was at yoga, the instructor read this little passage thing at the end of the class and I felt like she had picked it specifically for me. It was eerie. 

So, now I take a breath and another step forward...

Overwhelmed.

UPS brought my LSAT prep kit today. I don't think a stack of books has ever intimidated me before until I saw this massive mountain of LSAT goodies.

What have I gotten myself into this semester?

What a Pleasant Surprise...

I made the Dean's List last semester! Huh. Who would've thunk that after failing Elementary Statistics my freshman year I'd eventually make it onto the Dean's List. Not me. I'm very proud of myself though... It's like a monumental achievement for me and provides excellent motivation for this semester. Which means I will have absolutely no social life.

Alpha Gay and I went to look at a two-bedroom apartment today in a really nice new complex. We sort of fell in love with one of the setups. And it'd only be about $100 more a month for me minus the high maintenance psychotic roommates I currently live with. Daddy, lets weigh the options! 

Sidenote: I really don't like calling my dad "Daddy." It's too girlie and helpless like "oh I can't do anything with my life ever which is why I'm here for my MRS degree so someone else can pay for my high-end lifestyle after I graduate." "Dad" is just a stronger, more respectful way without the ridiculousness of "Father." Dad is Dad. End of story.

Gimme, gimme, gimme...

We've figured out nicknames for my two partners in crime who are back from a semester in Italy and ready to roll (read: hang out together and complain about how much we'd rather be in a cooler place than this). Also, we as in my two friends and I... just to clarify.

LaFonda is a saucy soul out of Tulsa and is always the last one standing with me at parties. Think Spring Break sophomore year at this dude's house getting completely shut out at beer pong and all of the guys telling us we had to do a naked run around the house. Turned out the guys insisted on doing the naked run themselves... It's not like we cared at all; They were all swimmers and had gorgeous bodies. And she was the only one who spent the night at their house with me. But I think that could've been because our friends didn't want to come pick us up. Hmm. Anyway, LaFonda, despite the nickname, is white and goofy as all hell. I'm glad to have her as a friend.

Spilf (I think? It's German... whatever.) or Chickitita (we haven't officially decided) was my roommate last year. We grew up in the same town together and have grown into great friends. A piece of me was missing when she was away in Italy and I'm very glad to have her back. Not only is she the most fashionable person I know, she actually has real interests such as any kind of gossip, politics, and legal issues. Mostly celebrity gossip thought. She's addicted. But, I love her anyway.

Crackberry called me last night so I could confirm that we didn't hook up this summer and haven't, well, ever. I guess his lady friend didn't seem to believe his story that our relationship is platonic. And she's not the first one to think otherwise which is weird. I think people would figure out that it's a bit difficult to keep up a sexual relationship when you're 1400 miles away from someone. Guess not. It does really suck being so far away from one of my really good friends. I don't like that part at all.

On a more immediate note: Alpha Gay and I secured our tickets for Spring Break. Boston and New York City had better watch out because we'll be there in two months!

Yeti: whats the point of being with someone for an extended period of time if you dont see it going somewhere? esp by the time you're my age

Says the 24 year-old. 

Shkibaaaaaaa.

I'm currently in the office. Alone. All alone. All alone and so incredibly bored. Today's entertainment: A lady and her family from Afghanistan are having issues with USCIS, not unlike most people who go to their Congresspeople for help. USCIS = US Citizenship and Immigration Services (for those new to the program). Apparently this lady isn't very tech savvy because she faxed 17 pages over here one by one. And let me tell you, our fax machine is one of those really annoying HP ones that has a ridiculous ring to it. I wanted to go all Office Space on its ass and murder it.

I think I get to leave early because all I'm doing is answering the phone and occupying space. I hope I do. I'm bored.

Update: The lady faxed 19 pages over. I figured out about a half an hour later that the fax machine was out of paper and out came two more glorious pages from her. I didn't get to leave early either. It's Friday at 5:00 and I could settle down with a good book and be okay for the night. I'm lame.

Denny Crane.

Boston Legal is by far one of my absolute favorite shows ever. The writing is pure genius. The actors are perfect for their roles. It's just fabulous and I own every season. Anyway, on "ion tv" (whatever random channel that is) they have three episodes on tonight and it makes me happy. I'd like to think I'll have a marital relationship similar to Alan's and Denny's one day. But I'm not holding my breath.

Today was my first day at Congressman Badass' office. This little group of staffers looks like a bunch of squares compared to the last two places I've worked. Bummer. Such is life. They can be fun though. We were talking about weird names today and one of the staffers claimed to have had a high school teacher named "Ottomobeel." I kid you not. Then, not even fifteen minutes later, a black woman named "Vanilla" called the office. The staffer I sit next to laughed when I told him who was on the phone and he responded with, "At least it wasn't her sister, Chocolate." No. Way. Black sisters named Chocolate and Vanilla (does anyone else sense irony there?). And a teacher named Ottomobeel. I could make a very tasteless joke at this point but I'll refrain from doing so.

I ended up making an enemy in my Politics and Culture of the Middle East class yesterday. The professor likes me but oooh that girl sure as hell doesn't. The story is funny but I don't feel like typing it out. If you want to know, ask me. Other than that, classes are fine and I have a friend in all of them; one actually in three. He's fun. And smart. Woo good grades!

The issue on the table at the moment: I thought I could eat a full meal tonight for dinner. Nope. Not ready. Stomach hurts so bad. Ugh.

Now, the real issue on my table: I have this ex whom I will call EISMOW (ex I sometimes make out with). We dated on and off for Junior and Senior years of high school. He went off to college and dated a couple people while I went off to college and have yet to date anyone else. That's okay with me; that's not my problem. My problem is that he keeps infesting my dreams and it's weirding me out. It's annoying. He's a cool friend but I, you know, would rather dream about other things. Cosmo told me that dreaming of an old ex usually means your mind is substituting your ex for a guy you haven't hooked up with yet but want to and are nervous about the eventual encounter. What? No idea what you're talking about, Cosmo. Last time I checked, I've become celibate. I'm a weirdo.

I'm trying to decide if I really want to look at my syllabuses to see if I have real homework tonight. If I do, I don't want to do it. I'm so tired. So, I'll go back to Boston Legal after this note:

Alan Shore: "Denny, what would you do if you actually met God?"

Denny Crane: "I'd take him fishing."

I Hate Being Sick

Woke up around 2:00 this morning puking. Didn't stop until around 9:30am. So, I missed my first day of work and my only class on Mondays. Good thing a friend picked up my syllabus for me and enthusiastically (read: not at all enthusiastically) informed me that our professor said that the class is basically going to be like we are 1L's in law school. I foresee good times ahead.

Anyway, I still feel like complete shit and I really hope I feel 100x better in the morning. Until then, I shall nibble on Saltines and sip on gingerale and Gatorade. And watch the new episode of Gossip Girl and old episodes of NCIS online. YES.

Mile High Club?

From here on out, that best friend whom I have referred to in previous posts is "Alpha Gay." Because he just is.

Alpha Gay wanted me to update the post about our flight to Albuquerque because there was a cute guy on the flight: the pilot. 

We had a bunch of college-aged kids on our flight back to DFW tonight and it went very smoothly. However, there were four Aggies that we sort of wanted to strangle. And another hot pilot who was just flying back to DFW. 

The funny part about all of this is that Alpha Gay and I must have insinuated to all passengers within view that we wanted to join the "Mile High Club" (not with each other though... weird) for the two following reasons:

1. Alpha Gay was watching an episode of Nip/Tuck on his computer and every time the flight attendant walked by our row, someone on the show was having sex. First there was the Catholic school girl outfit, then a swinger's club, and then the making of a porno. I think the couple behind us was quite aroused by this episode seeing as they kept giggling during the naughty parts.

2. I decided to be girlie for some reason and purchase the newest Vogue and Cosmo from the airport magazine store. The new Cosmo has like four articles about sexy massages, making sex feel better (unfortunate that people are actually terrible at boning), ect. Anyway, every time there was a sexual act happening on Nip/Tuck, the flight attendant was in the aisle next to us, and I just so happened to be at one of those sexy articles in Cosmo with pictures of people in sex positions and in lingerie plastered all over the pages. Sexy, right? Hm.

So, Alpha Gay and I are fairly certain the flight attendant thought we were either nymphomaniacs and/or ready to go at it in the lavatory. Regardless, we were given some pretty funny looks while we just died laughing at how the situation looked to others.

Back to the real world on Monday. The REAL, real world. Congressman Badass's office 9-4 then  Concepts in American Law from 6-8:30. Those are my Mondays until the last week of April. Yuck. Hopefully I get some funny calls on Monday though. Constituents are my [least] favorite!

How to Get Cold Fast and Hurt for the Rest of the Day

Snow skiing. Taos has been very relaxing and fun until today when I tortured myself in the name of... fun? But, before I get to that, I learned a few lessons yesterday:

1. Sperry's (aka boat shoes) are meant for warm weather and water, not cold weather and snow. Even when you wear socks with them, your toes still go numb.

2. Best-Friend-Who-Really-Needs-A-Catchy-Nickname-Before-I-Take-Him- OH! I think I thought of one! I'll have to ask him what he thinks about it.

2a. I got distracted. Anyway, the same best friend I'm on this trip with and I took a cooking class with his aunt and uncle last night at the house of this chef friend of theirs. We made pizza from scratch with fresh, homegrown ingredients and it was all so so so delicious! Mine was the best (naturally) but they were all very good. Delivery pizza can SUCK IT! 

3. I finally watched the new Gossip Girl. (It's my guilty pleasure.) I'm so glad it's back. It makes me happy.

So, onto today's adventure! Said best friend I'm vacationing with and I took a ski lesson. Six hours total with about an hour and a half break in between. I spent the first three hours re-wiring my brain to ski on snow rather than my beloved water. The last three included me going too fast for my instructor's liking and almost plowing into a few kids who had decided that wandering into my path of destruction was a good idea. Going fast was the best time I had on the mountain! However, I did win the award for most time spent on my ass and face. I fell a lot. By the sixth hour, my body was telling me that I'd be severely punished for putting it through such an ordeal. My shins are bruised all over from the rental boots, my hand started shaking while picking up my glass of water at dinner, and the rest of my body is just giving me the middle finger. I'm exhausted.

Today's lessons learned:

1. I don't think I vacation very well. Vacation activities that are supposed to be relaxing, i.e. skiing, are not. 

2. I do think I would enjoy skiing a lot if I lived close to a ski resort and had the time to devote to learning how to do it. But, alas, I do not. So, therefore, the beach is better than the mountains. For now at least.

3. Every time I see a field or patch or hill with beautiful, pure, untouched snow, I want to go out there and stomp around in it. Does that say something about my personality?

Airport Fun and TAOS!

-9:30am-

Best-Friend-Who-Currently-Doesn't-Have-A-Catchy-Nickname and I are sitting in the DFW airport waiting to board our flight to cold-as-hell Albuquerque and take a shuttle to an even colder Taos. Our flight has been delayed for about 30 minutes. The friendly people at American Airlines just informed us it will be about another half an hour because they have to replace a part on the place. Snore. And there's this weird lady sitting on the floor stretching as if she's about to go run a marathon. She even used this huge Blackberry advertisement to stretch her shoulders. Freak. Yes, I'm judging. But I digress...

It's cold here in Dallas. 31-degrees to be exact (says my computer). Ice coated the car this morning. So, you would think our flight would be delayed because people in Texas flip shit when it gets this cold and there's the threat of ice. Nope. It's because of a part. Such is life.

Since I have the time, I guess I'll just give a little bit of background info to catch any/everyone up to speed:

1. My parents are recently divorced. My mom used to be a lot crazier than she is now so, although the entertainment factor has decreased somewhat, at least we're all happier. My dad and I share very similar interests and a lot of times I find myself sounding exactly like him. Sometimes that scares me. But, he's smart and I guess I should just take that as a sign of being raised the right way. My dad's dog, Macy, is a high maintenance princess. She is a-fucking-dorable and one of the greatest dogs ever. She's a Portuguese Water Dog and therefore everyone thinks she's a poodle because she has curly hair (morons). Picture to come.

2. I love my little sister (hereinafter referred to as "Sister"). She can be a brat but she's pretty great. She just received her acceptance letter to the same overpriced Texas private university that I attend. Yay Sister!

3. After a brief few hours in jail on New Years Day my junior year of college—six months until my 21st birthday—I decided that criminal defense law would be a super career for me. It was 10:00am and a few friends and I were on our way home from a party the night before. I was sitting in the backseat and was given a Minor in Consumption (or, COMSUMPTION according to the brilliant officer of the law who put me in cuffs) and then promptly arrested unnecessarily. So, after getting all that wiped off my record, I can now empathize with my future clients. Lucky me.

4. My internships have been hilarious and better than I could ever ask for. This past summer I was in DC and am still surprised I made it back to Texas relatively unscathed and alive…. Oh! Time to board…

-11:48am-

Now that we’re on the plane, we have to get de-iced. It’ll take about 50 minutes until we’re airborne. Super. There are no cute guys on this flight and these two kids in front of me continue to fight with each other. Sounds like it’s going to be a pleasant hour and twenty minutes.

I was talking to Crackberry while sitting in the airport and his current revelation, unsurprisingly, involves his beloved cellular device. No Blackberries in the bedroom. Apparently it’s okay for Crackberry to Blackberry after sex but his current Lady Friend cannot. He says it’s annoying when people Blackberry after boning. Well no shit, Sherlock. So, he has banned them from the bedroom. We’ll see how well that works out.

Anyway, back to my biographical information… Despite the annoying guy with the extremely loud Yankee accent sitting behind Best-Friend-Who-Still-Doesn't-Have-A-Catchy-Nickname and I.

4., cont’d. My internships have been with pretty prominent Republicans. I don’t mean to brag since Republicans are currently fucked in Washington and I have no business boasting about my political ideology. But, I’m pretty proud of myself and I’ve really enjoyed the experiences so far. Yeti, my favorite roommate from DC, often refers to me as “Office Wench” since I’m on my third political internship.

5. Yeti is my favorite female Jew. She’s from Long Island and is obsessed with the Yankees and the Giants. She’s currently trying to figure out how to deal with a virgin she wants to date and I just think that’s hilarious.

Ugh. We have to secure our electronic devices again. However, we got de-iced ahead of schedule and I’ll see that as a good thing. Update: The kids in front of us are having a fight about how loud their iPods are. Best-Friend-Who-Currently-Doesn't-Have-A-Catchy-Nickname and I are very tempted to act their age and tap their seats every so often. We’re mature, I promise. Until I’m allowed to turn my computer back on again….

-12:34pm-

Finally up in the air. I’m bored. Cap’n says it’s 29-degrees in Albuquerque. Brr. Send me home in a cooler because I’m going to turn into an ice cube.

Best-Friend-Who-Currently-Doesn't-Have-A-Catchy-Nickname is reading an article about the rise of the “Alpha-Gay” and is quite proud to be one himself. I’m worrying about my first LSAT class that starts in two months and two days. Yikes. I thought I’d be at least a little bit more prepared for that than I am. Maybe that’s the book I should be pulling out and working on.

I’m now running out of witty ramblings about nothing and since the food/drink cart is here, I’ll turn off my computer and actually post this when I have internet access again.

-9:13pm-

More snow than I've seen in my entire life. HUGE freaking house. Heater in the bathroom so I don't freeze in the morning. HUGE library IN the house. Hi, I think I'll take it! So far, Taos is BADASS!

Because I Can.

Hello, hello to all! In light of an already extremely eventful 2009, I've decided to attempt to document any and all hilarity that ensues in my life. So, without further ado, I shall introduce my first crazy friend:

Crackberry is, as the name obviously reveals, addicted to his Blackberry. We met about three and a half years ago in DC at a leadership conference. He had a cute love affair with another girl in our little group and (after that went south) ended up stuck being ridiculously good friends with me- despite the 1400 mile distance. Here is where I thank the advances in technology for allowing Crackberry and I to remain friends even though we only get to see each other about once a year.

On the subject of thanking things, here is where I thank Crackberry for helping me come up with a name for my blog after many failed ideas such as: Internshit; Internigans; Jack Daniels' Office, Please Hold; and Blonde Leading the Blind, among others.

 Since it's late and I have to catch a flight to New Mexico in the morning, I'll leave off here and begin my first real post tomorrow-ish? Maybe not. Depends on whether Best-Friend-Who-Currently-Doesn't-Have-A-Catchy-Nickname and I get stuck in the airport on our way to Taos or not. I haven't been snow skiing in 13 years. This should be a helluva trip.