Merry Christmas

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

(And Happy Bowling for those of you with teams in bowl games!)

What a Start to Christmas Break

Since I have returned home for break, I've cut my finger while slicing a bagel, burned a knuckle trying to put a pizza in the oven, and now I have a black eye.

These are my two dogs, Macy and Bear. Macy is a 2 year old Portuguese Water Dog and Bear is a 9 month old, 80 pound Bouvier des Flandres.

They both get really really excited when I come home and come downstairs in the mornings. Bear doesn't realize how big he is so it can be painful when he starts jumping around all excitedly. Yesterday morning when I came downstairs, I bent down to pet Bear and he jumped up and his head smacked my face in just the right spot. I noticed the bruising a couple hours later.

And that's how I have a black eye for Christmas.

Happy Graduation

I get a text from Crackberry this morning saying:

-- So walking across the stage first gives me the right to say I graduated first in my class, right?

Me: Absolutely. Why did you get to walk first?

Crackberry: Because when I walked in I naturally sat in the front row front seat for the business section and wrote reserved on it--nobody asks questions.

So, congratulations to all of my friends graduating today! Especially you, Crackberry.

So Over Finals

Last night I woke up every hour or so because my throat hurts so bad and Tylenol PM doesn't do the trick. I'm almost done being sick over finals--and by that I mean, finals are almost over, not that I'm feeling better.

On a lighter note: I'm wondering if law schools will admit me solely based on the scores I've gotten in the law-related classes I've taken in college? The judge's legitimately scary mix of hypotheticals was no match for me. (And then I dreamt my dad got arrested for too many speeding tickets and I got a NG. A-thank you.)

A Wish for Good Grades

I love my school for many reasons. My dad hates it primarily for one reason (any guesses?). Like many of my school's higher-ups, our Provost is hysterical. His genuine warmth, kindness, and humor come second only to our Chancellor. People at big state schools don't get to know that about those who run their schools. They're lucky if their professors can pick them out from a crowd of 300. Maybe those of us at small private schools pay for the chance to be a friend instead of just another face among the crowd, but I don't mind that at all. My professors know that I try hard in their classes by incessantly emailing them and coming into their offices. At big schools, some people try hard by buying class notes from someone to make up for not going to class (ahem, Crackberry).

During the week of finals before Christmas Break, our Provost emails out a Christmas card. It may just be my love of Christmastime, but Christmas cards are one of my favorite things. The Provost may not give a little extra personal piece of advice in the ones he sends, but they still put a smile on my face when I see the email pop up in my inbox. I'd like to share this year's card with those who read this, in hopes that this advice will apply to you as well! (Another bit of advice: Spilling your entire plate of eggs on your couch is not a good way to start a 24-hour study period.)

The Woes of Finals

Good news! Everything is done and booked and squared away for our bowl game! I picked up my tickets this morning and I'm ready to head out there after what will be a crazy fun New Years in Dallas with my best friends.

Bad news. I have three finals this week: Due Process in the Criminal Courts tomorrow, PreCal Wednesday, and Political Science 101 on Thursday (aka the class you're supposed to take as a freshman but I didn't get around to it until my senior year). I don't need PreCal or Calculus for my degree anymore which means the credit won't really count, thus completely erasing any sense of motivation I had of passing studying for it.

All of this means that the next few days will be spent memorizing the soundtracks from the latest three Harry Potter movies, Braveheart, The Chronicles of Narnia, The Tudors, John Adams, and Pirates of the Caribbean. Then, when I watch the movies and hear the different scores, I am reverted back to a painful memory of studying. How pleasant.

The local criminal courts judge teaching my Due Process class said our final will essentially be equivalent to a law school exam. We get two fact patterns and maybe a couple short answer questions. Previous fact patterns have included mastiff beastiality, and classy people named Whitney Spears and Kevin Borderline who forge checks in blood (allegedly). The ones on the final should be pretty good. I'm making a good grade in this class since I'm most interested in criminal law and this judge is badass, but I'd like to do really well and impress her since I'm interning for her next semester.

Yay! No more congressional district offices! I'm finally done--free at last. I love politics, but casework is a bitch. I don't care that Social Security is screwing you over because you filled out a form wrong. I don't care that the US won't let you and your five wives into our country, there's a good reason for that! Learn to speak English, and then we'll talk.

Hmm. Maybe it should be time to stop procrastinating.

Catching Up

I kept getting increasingly more busy as the semester went on so I had to neglect something. Sadly, it was my blog. But, it's okay because here's the catch up edition!

The internship is becoming more and more boring. I love politics, but I've decided that if I have another political internship, it has to be worthwhile and challenging. Nothing exciting happens and I'm not really learning anything anymore. Although I have had three older men come into the office to apologize for yelling at me on various occasions. One of them has a knack for knowing exactly when I'm working and laughs every time I answer his phone calls. On Tuesday, he asked if I got paid and I told him they should pay me to talk to him. He wasn't too happy about that comment. Hopefully I can go back to the DA's office soon so I can actually learn something again.

Moot court was a whole lot of fun. I really enjoyed the environment and constructing arguments. I was always complimented on having very good courtroom demeanor, but I'd rather do Mock Trial. Having big-ego'd 3Ls badger you about your argument is annoying. I think it'd be more fun in a trial setting.

I went to Buenos Aires, Argentina last month to visit my grandfather. It was a hell of a time. We had so much fun and had way too much good food. I still have yet to crave steak again. I'm pretty sure I had it twice a day every day we were there. I can't wait to go back though!

It's been really tough having the boy so far away this semester but it's so great when he comes into town every other weekend. It'll be another month before I'll see him again, which really sucks. Especially because I'm really good at screwing things up that make me happy. So, that brings me to the fact that I'm not sure we'll make it, and that makes me really sad. But, we'll see. And until then, I've got wonderful friends to lean on.

I wish this could be a happier post but I'm just not quite in the happy mood yet. I'll get there once I get another interesting internship and figure out what's going to happen with the boy. It's tough when you really like someone. And I'm not known for staying friends with exes. This may suck a little here in the next month or so. That's yet to be determined.

Problems With Traveling

When you travel to Lubbock, Argentina, Uruguay, DC, and Denver all in one month, you run into a huge problem: You have already read the only issue of every magazine out at this time.

Headed to Denver in half an hour. Many details to come next week when I return!

Subpar Day

I'm in this class that's typically reserved for first semester freshmen. I'm in it because I haven't been able to sign up since I changed my major after sophomore year. This class would be great if I was a first semester freshman; however, I am a senior. And these freshmen are complete idiots. I want to throw something at them every class and/or feed them the wrong information so they keep looking like idiots. This class puts me in a bad mood each and every time I attend.

But this isn't the sole reason I've had a subpar day.

The same old man that called on Tuesday asking about Obama's traveling secret service agents called again today. He has a good memory for an old geezer. He remembered me as soon as I answered the phone and started laughing and proceeded to say, "Haha oh you're that idiot intern who doesn't know what the hell she's doing. Go ahead and save yourself the embarrassment and self-esteem loss and pass me along to someone who knows what's going on in the world and then go quit your internship."

Seriously?

I don't know what my deal is this week to make this statement, that I know isn't true, get to me so much. I guess it's just been one of those weeks where I can't do anything right socially. In the past week or so, I've successfully made this incredible guy--whom I've come to really like--angry with me a handful of times because I keep saying stupid things. Or I don't say something. There's never any real reason for saying those things, so I'm not entirely sure what has made me think they have been warranted. I feel terrible about acting like the crazy psycho person I've always tried my best to avoid. I'm irritating myself, I'm bored with all of my classes except maybe one, I want to get on with my life and start a career that I actually enjoy.

Enough rambling. Maybe I should actually pay attention to this now 30 minute conversation about how the freshmen want a president they can drink beer with.

Daily Self-Esteem Boost

Some old man called the office this morning asking if I knew if Obama takes 3,000 Secret Service agents with him when he travels. Having absolutely no clue Thinking it was a matter of national security that the number of agents traveling with the president at various times remain a secret, I politely told him that that was beyond my knowledge. Plus, I'm just a lowly intern, they don't tell me these things. He wasn't too happy with that explanation so he got my name and told me that I am "an ignorant idiot who doesn't deserve to work in a Congressional office." Gee, thanks.

Obama is the New Postman

Me: Office of Congressperson.
Cracked out woman: Yes, ma'am, I'd like to let y'all know that I'm staying at the night shelter tonight.
Me: Okay...
Cracked out woman: Yes, ma'am, and I just wanted you to know that all of my monies and my credit cards and papers are in a box in the Post Office that is contolled by the government and Obama. I don't have the money to get a safety deposit box here at the shelter because Obama has all of my money.
Me: I'm sorry, why don't you have the money?
Cracked out woman: BECAUSE OBAMA HAS IT. Yes, ma'am, he does. And I think it'd be pretty embarrassing for me to have to put out all of these arrest warrants for Obama and the rest of his administration. Thank you, ma'am, bye.

ESPN Hates You

I follow a blog that lives and breathes my school's athletic program. The following link showed up on a post recently... the last point is the funniest, though you may find hilarity in it all!

Enjoy!

Math Sucks

Jimmy doesn't lie.

I have my first precal test at 10. Yes, precal... that class you usually take your last two years of high school. For some unknown reason, my major requires me to take calculus. Math and I don't get along so, I'm taking precal to relearn everything I learned in high school.

My problem at the moment is that I can't bullshit math. In all of my other classes for my major, I've gotten to write wonderful essays where there has never been one right answer. The right answer has always been what you can justify well as your answer. This leaves room for some excellent bullshitting. In precal? Not so much. (I'm also failing to find a purpose in all of these random numbers and letters, but that's a story for a different day.)

New game strategy: Run far away from anything with a negative and/or fractional exponent.

Dear Dad,

I will be hiring a tutor next week. I am a very smart person but math does not make me feel that way.

I'll Try to be Better with Blogging From Now On

I've really been neglecting my blog, and for that, I do apologize. After spending the first couple weeks of class pretending that school didn't apply to me yet, it has officially hit me hard in the head. I'm back at the local Congresswoman's office that I worked for last fall. Congressman Badass's office just didn't quite do it for me. Anyway, the long days of listening to constituents bitch and moan and then professors drone on and on are back. And it's not fun.

Today a man called the office convinced that any kind of health care reform is unconstitutional. He then proceeded to attempt to convince me that it's unconstitutional and kept asking me why this issue hadn't been brought up yet. I figured calling him an idiot would be a bad idea. Good thing I had to go to class and I just passed him off to a case worker.

While I realize tomorrow is only Wednesday, is it the weekend yet?

Can I Graduate Yet?

So I'm a senior this year and I think that gives me a little bit more experience and wisdom, and gets me more respect around campus. The cute little freshmen, who don't really have any experience, tend to do things that cause people to lose respect for them. For example, as I was walking to my first class this morning:

A freshman girl in a bid day shirt from a pretty "reputable" sorority comes dancing up to her friends singing loud enough for all to hear: "Ohhhh myyyy Godddd, guys, I'm stillllll fuckingggggg drunnnnnnk from last niiiiiiiiight!"

Not even 30 seconds later I pass three freshman frat rushees talking to each other. One guy is in a blazer (it's over 90-degrees, by the way) and is talking to his friend in a classic Easter egg colored Polo. Blazer kid says: "Dudes, today is going to be a beautiful day. I've already puked twice!!" His friends responded with high fives and "Duuuuuude, awesomeeeee!!"

Welcome to college, little ones. We are watching you, and we are judging you.

No More Singing and Clapping, Please

Today was the first day of work week. I think I've lost a few IQ points in the process. I also realized that I basically conducted voir dire on my rush group. Is it time for law school yet? No? One more year of undergrad? Fine. Be that way, Life.

I'm So Good at Playing Pretend

Every morning as I walk past the jail, there is about a 97.2% chance that I'm going to get hit on by at least one attractive gentleman gallantly being released from prison. Today was one such day, as was yesterday. I really wish I could do more to satisfy these men other than completely ignore them. The "Aye little mama's" and "Howdy purdy lady, yer sher lookin' purdy sexeh's" are just way too much to resist, but somehow I manage to pretend these men don't exist.

Now, I'm a pretty conservative girl. I enjoy my Republicanism, but before this internship I was warned to keep my political opinions to a minimum, so I did. And I guess I didn't realize how well I kept my opinions to myself (because I'm an incredibly opinionated person). But, as I was killing time on DrudgeReport today, one of the investigators came up to me and exclaimed, "YOU'RE A CONSERVATIVE?!" My reply was something to the tune of, "Thank God, I am!" He was so surprised, and I was even more surprised that I had actually passed as a liberal all summer without even trying. Good thing I can make up for it by going back to intern for a Republican politician this coming semester.

Tomorrow is the last day of my internship, and I'm pretty sad. I've had such a good time and the people are so great. I really hope they allow me to come back again at some point in my future legal education and legal career.

I Win

Coming back from a wonderful three day weekend was really hard. I got little sleep on Friday and little sleep on Saturday due to being in DC, but a lot of sleep last night when I got home. Even so, I still felt this weekend's affects. Getting out of bed this morning was the most grueling task ever. But, have no fear, I did make it into work on time, with coffee in hand.

Today was a special day because I became the senior intern in our unit. A new intern who just took the bar this year started today. Why is this special? I'm the only undergrad intern. He has passed the bar and can actually do real legal work. I have the computer and was given all of the assignments today. I win.

How to Build Street Cred

Yesterday after closing arguments, Frieda and I went back up to our cubicles to get some work done. Then the fire alarms started going off. Everyone on our floor started milling around asking each other whether or not we should ignore the alarms. We all decided it was a false alarm and went back to serious legal work including, but not limited to, standing around and joking with each other about the idiots who were probably evacuating the building. McProsecutor eventually came in and told us that there had been a fire in the holdover cells in the courtroom where this murder trial had taken place. We eventually learned that the defendant had kicked in the fire alarm which triggered the sprinklers to go off all over this courtroom and the holdover cells.

So, how do you build street cred? You murder a guy, piss off the jury, then get sentenced to basically half of your remaining life in prison. To top it all off, you hit the fire alarm. Yuh, yuh, homie, you're a certified gangsta now.

Thug Life

Murder trials with a touch of gang violence are fun. Except when you misjudge what stage the trial is in and accidentally sit on the defendant's side and get surrounded by gang bangers (apparently that's the proper term for homies in a gang). Frieda and I did that yesterday. I turned my ID badge around so none of them could Google me and come kill me. Then I wondered if gangsters knew how to use the internet because one attorney in our unit joked that gangsters can't read. When more and more members of this gang kept coming in the courtroom, the judge ordered more bailiffs. That didn't really help Frieda and I because we were literally pinned up against the wall surrounded by thugs. We did get out alive and no one has come to rape or murder me so I'm thinking I'm good to go. I'm considering joining a gang. I'm thug enough.

McProsecutor is trying a kiddie case next week and I'm so excited to watch. This is the first case he's tried all summer. Rumor has it that his mother might come cheer him on. Adorable? Yes.

The Story of the Magic Boxes

Once upon a time, in not-so-far-away Courthouse Castle, there sat six magical boxes with three in each row. Those who entered these magical boxes were instantly (well, sometimes) taken away to their destination of choice. But, something strange would happen to special people when they stepped into one of the boxes.

You see, these special people were in Courthouse Castle for an important reason: they were paying for the crimes they had committed. While this isn't necessarily a glamorous reason for being in Courthouse Castle, these special people must ride the magic boxes to their final destinations.

The magic boxes are activated by brightly lit buttons that are typically pressed by the people in need of being taken from place to place in Courthouse Castle. However, after the special people board the magic boxes, they expect it to take them exactly where they need to go. Once they arrive at the floor they need (or pretty much on any floor), a look of extreme surprise crosses their face at where they have arrived. Other times, the special people stare at you like you're supposed to know where they are supposed to go and then ask you if they can get off on your floor, which happens to be a floor with no courtrooms at all. Or, these special people walk onto the magic box and proceed to get angry with you because they got on the magic box that is going up instead of down or vice versa.

Today was a special day, for this lowly peasant intern rode in a magic box with the King of Courthouse Castle (aka the Boss Boss, the District Attorney). 'Twas fate, it was. For this intern had mistakenly exited the magic box onto the wrong floor and had to wait for another magic box to pick her up and take her up two more floors. This intern was lucky, for this magic box's steel jaws opened to reveal the Boss Boss, who started to walk out of the magic box only to realize he was not on the floor he wanted to be on. Laughing, the Boss Boss joked with this intern about wanting to get out whenever the little bells chimed.

So, the King of Courthouse Castle and the lowly peasant joked and talked for the next 45 seconds until they reached their final destination. Then the intern was hired four years later after she completed law school.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The End.

Lame.

I've been in one place for far too long. I'm bored with life. I need to go on a trip somewhere really soon or I'll probably self-combust.

Reason #83467 Why I Love Texas

My best girlfriend from high school lives in College Station, Texas (where the, um, infamous Texas A&M is located). Apparently there are tornadoes going through College Station right at this moment and here's what she texts me:

Aggie Friend: Omg me Emily and Misty and 2 dogs and poor Phoebe [the cat] are sitting in my bathroom because there are tornadoes the next street over

Me: Ahhh!! Oh no! At least y'all are in a safe place!

Aggie Friend: Don't worry, we just got beer

A Tale as Old as Time

One of my favorite things about working at the DA's office is listening to war stories. One such gem was told to me by my boss on Friday about a prostitution case he tried a few years ago...

My boss put a witness with slightly questionable morals on the stand. There had been rumors about this woman participating in some not so appropriate acts with a 14 year old boy and it was time for the defense counsel to cross.

Defense: What time did this happen?

Witness: I don't know.

Defense, louder this time: What time did this happen??

Witness: I don't know.

Defense, yelling: WHAT TIME DID THIS HAPPEN?!

Witness starts laughing hysterically.

Defense: A man's life is on the line here, tell me what is so damn funny!!!

Witness, still laughing: They ain't got no clocks in the crack house!

Apparently that comment got everyone in the court room giggling--the jury, the attorneys, the bailiffs, and the judge himself who could've been "a hundred and seven years old" according to my boss.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

I was so excited to see this movie and was--unfortunately--left less than satisfied. Half the time I was wondering why JK Rowling thought that was a good route to go. Now, you could call me overly obsessed an expert. (Cue the nerd within.) I've read the books all at least four times, took a literature class on Harry Potter and the Hero Myth my freshman year of college, had Mugglenet as my homepage for about a year, bought books predicting what would happen in the next book, and well, you get the picture. The point is, this movie is probably my least favorite Harry Potter movie, which totally blows because the book is so good and gives you so much insight into the worlds of a younger Voldemort and present day Harry. I'm pretty bummed. Maybe it'll grow on me over the next few times I see it.

Frieda didn't end up trying the circus case because it pled. Booooooo. However, I need to start abstaining from the courthouse elevators. In the past two days I've ended up riding the elevator alone with McProsecutor four times (an additional two times included other people as well). Then, after taking a field trip to the clerk's office, I step into the elevator only to find my former boss, a defense attorney, hanging out with another defense attorney--both in their seersucker suits. We all laughed because I was also wearing a seersucker suit. They were all the same colors. We matched. My former boss proceeded to tell the other defense attorney that I got my style from him. How cute are we?

If you haven't heard, there was a shooting a few blocks from the Capitol building in DC this afternoon. All of the Senate entrances were closed, as were the Senate office buildings. Boy was in the Hart office building at the time and was on lock down for two hours. Dun dun dunnn! Intense. The would-be defendant ended up being fatally shot by Capitol Police after pulling a gun on them. Not a smart move. More here.

Twitter

I joined Twitter today. I really don't have any desire to create mini Facebook statuses all the time since I rarely put one up anyway. Plus, people would probably get sick of all of my "tweets" being about how much I hate the moronic side of humanity.

So, I'm just going to follow people, primarily politicians so I can stay in the loop. Maybe I should've joined Loopt? Is that even the correct social networking site I'm thinking of?

Anyway, Frieda gets to try her first case tomorrow! Hooray for bar cards! It should be another circus. I'm so excited.

(I also seem to have issues with brevity--I just can't condense my life into less than 140 characters.)

Longest Day Ever

Today was the longest day ever at work. The attorneys had checked out after one of our high profile defendants pled at 10:00 this morning. So then we had 6 hours and 45 minutes to kill work hard to earn a relaxing weekend. Then around 3:00, a woman jumped out of a 7th floor window that you could see out of McProsecutor's office. It was exciting for about 15 minutes after that.

Two of the prosecutors in our unit have started calling us--the interns--"The Thundercats." We're not entirely sure why. We think it has something to do with the appearance that the three of us are, in the words of High School Musical, "all in this together." We leave at the same time, we go to lunch and around the courthouse together... We're a team. Woo! Go State!

But it's the weekend now, and I'm trying to rally some people to go get drinks. It's not working out too well considering the boy has officially moved to DC until December and the rest of my friends are currently out of town. Alpha Gay is back from Europe but he's citing jet lag as his excuse for not wanting to go play. Lesson of the day: Move to a fun city. This one sucks.

Another Stereotypical Intern Story

Frieda (the other girl intern in our unit) and I got stuck in the elevator yesterday. We rode from the 9th floor to the 6th floor of the courthouse and when we arrived at the 6th floor, the doors opened up about four inches. Since the elevators in the courthouse suck all the time, we tried the usual methods of getting the doors to open. Those seemingly tried and true methods failed us entirely. But thank God for jury duty because four prospective jurors grabbed hold of the elevator doors and pried them apart a few inches so Frieda and I could get out to safety.

When we told him, the Chief Prosecutor in our unit simply shook his head and said through laughter, "Jesus Christ, my interns are brilliant as shit. Good thing we don't pay y'all."

Respect My Authorateh

I was watching a DWI trial today because the defendant was being represented by a famed defense attorney in the area. The two cops who pulled over the defendant came into the courtroom to be sworn in by they judge. Ordinarily, I would've zoned out during this part, but I thought these cops were hilarious.

They were in the darkest but shiniest navy uniforms with the most sparkling of buttons, name tags, pins, and badges. Their flashlights banged against their guns in the most melodious fashion and you could probably see your reflection in their shaved heads as well as you could in their mirror-like handcuffs. They were huge guys, both between 6'2" and 6'7" and were ripped. They looked the exact same with the exception of their height.

If I had been the defense attorney I would've asked if it was a requirement of the department to look like clones. They looked ridiculous.

Birthday Extravaganza

Monday was my birthday. My present from the boy was a hotel room at The Driskill and a night on 6th Street. Apparently it's supposed to be haunted. Awesome. I didn't find out about that until I Googled the hotel's link. Haunted places scare me. Good thing I found out after I stayed there or I probably would've freaked out a little.

Anyway! My birthday was epic. I pretty much died from all of the free shots and drinks but it was totally worth it. It was the day leading up to 6th Street that was just my luck.

My car started to break down on my way to the courthouse Monday morning. My sister had to bring my dad's Suburban for me to drive while my dad got my car towed to the dealership. Then, on the way to Austin, I got to Georgetown (which is roughly 30 minutes from Austin) and the Suburban started to go haywire. The RPM needle kept going up to 4, 5, and 6 while I was trying to accelerate but the speedometer said I was decelerating. Then a cute little message popped up on the dashboard saying, "TRANSMISSION HOT" right as I noticed a gas-like smell. Great. What's even better is that all of this happened right across from a Chevy dealership. Life has a cruel sense of humor.

So, I had to wait an hour for the boy to come get me from the Chevy dealership. It was all fun and games after that (until I got to the airport and my flight was delayed an hour). It was a chaotic birthday but definitely one of the best.

Overheard in the Elevator

In the elevator on Friday with the other guy intern (I'll refer to him as Fritz from now on, because I can):

Alleged Criminal (to Fritz): So what'd they get you for?

Fritz: Um, well nothing... I work here.

Alleged Criminal: Oh so you're a lawyer?

Fritz: No, but I'm in law school right now.

Alleged Criminal: Yeah, man, I've been in here so many times I probably should go to law school. I've figured out how the system works. They need lawyers like me.

Criminal is My Homeboy

There was an Aggravated Robbery/Assault of a Public Servant case going on this week that finished today. The defense attorney was the epitome of a "Good Ol' Texas Boy." The defendant had been involved in gangs and was already a convicted felon at the ripe old age of 21. Needless to say, there were extreme cultural differences between attorney and client. At one point while the court was in recess today, the two prosecutors are chatting with the defense attorney...

Defense Attorney: "What are you talking about? I have to defend him to the best of my ability because he's my homeboy!"

Prosecutor: "Oh yeah, I bet y'all keep it real on the weekends."

Then, during closing arguments in the punishment phase, the defense attorney gave the most long-winded, 25 minute long eloquent closing, during which, a female juror began to cry. Then she began to practically sob. The judge stifled her laughter but the bailiffs weren't so subtle. Neither were the interns. Or the female juror sitting next to waterworks lady. No one knows why the hell she was crying, but I would put money on it being the defense's never ending closing.

Life: 17, Interns: 0

Today was "Loopy Friday" for the other two interns and I. Provided below is a list of our--mostly my--failures during the nine hours we were at the office.

1. I arrive to find a present from the Chief (read: six cases with four different motions a piece) on my desk. My task: Make a zillion copies, file some, file stamp some, fax some, scan some. This wasn't too difficult of a task until the almighty copier decided to smear ink all over the copies I was making.

2. After recopying motions for the two cases that got painted by the Konica Minolta, I got hit by the elevator doors as I was running to the clerk's office. A prominent defense attorney saw the whole thing. And laughed.

3. I forgot how to load staples into the stapler. Apparently they were supposed to go on the other side of the spring. Good thing I asked everyone within the vicinity of me how to work a stapler.

3. The guy intern broke/jammed the printer a grand total of four times.

4. The other girl intern went to see one of our investigators. She completely blanked on where his office was and ended up asking the Chief Prosecutor of another unit on a completely different floor if he could serve one of our subpoenas. Our investigator's office is maybe eight feet from this girl's desk.

5. I somehow broke the top drawer in the filing cabinet. It just doesn't open anymore.

6. We waged yet another war on the printer that kept getting jammed/broken.

7. While converting a 911 call from one format to another, the guy in the audio/video lab ended up recording Mr. T. saying, "THAT'S JIBBA JABBA!" right over the victim's story. Good thing we still had the original.

Needless to say, the three of us laughed hard and loud for the better part of today. So, while we made ourselves look like complete morons, we had fun. It did make us feel better to see that the chief made the following mistakes on the motions I dealt with:

1. Court: County Criminal Court Nmber Five (on every motion)

2. Mr. Criminal, represented by her attorney, Mr. Defense Attorney.

3. Inserting the name of the completely wrong attorney on the motions for one case.

Watch out, world! Comes now, brilliant legal minds.

I'm in a Big Fluffy Cloud

So yesterday I found out that I am the ONLY undergrad intern in the whole intern program. You may be asking, "Wow, how did you beat out actual law students who know more than you do?" My answer? Fuck if I know. Maybe it's because they don't have to pay me. But regardless--how did I get this internship? Who knows? I'm just glad I got it. Glad that I now get to surround myself with sex offenders and wife beaters (actual people, not the tank top). I fill my days with subpoena applications, victim statements, office bullshit (read: whiting out and writing in the name of the ex-DA because the Chief Prosecutor forgot to change the name on, say, all of the motions for his docket next Wednesday then letting him know he had a string stuck to his face right before he walked into the courtroom), 911 calls, and watching prosecutors punish evil doers. And I guess working with McProsecutor on a daily basis isn't the worst thing in the world. (Okay, it's awesome, I won't lie.)

Today during one of my three trips to the clerk's office (first I left off the case number on the subpoenas then I brought down the wrong motions... no one could tell I was an intern) I ran into a woman on the elevator wearing a low cut shirt with "STEVE" in cursive tattooed across her chest, above her boobs. When reporting the amusing sight to my fellow interns, I pondered what would happen if she and "STEVE" ever broke up. The other girl intern and I decided that we'd probably just date Steves for the rest of our lives. Then she said, "Wait until she gets older--her love grows longer with time!"

Then, when we were interviewing a new victim, we asked her if she felt safe around her boyfriend who allegedly beat her with an internet router. She claims: "Of course I feel safe around him! When I put my arms around him it feels like I'm in a big fluffy cloud." Did I mention she had a black eye? Yeah, we thought it screamed "Brady notice!" too.

Today I found out that my blog (along with The Namby Pamby, the Alleged Lady, and Law with Grace) all made the Top 16 Most Entertaining Law Blogs on Lawlygagging! This was back in February but my dad found it (yes, my dad reads my blog... hi Dad!) and I was pretty excited to see that 1.) People actually read my blog!!; and 2.) I was put in the same category with three blogs I read all the time. So thank you, Lawlygagging, for letting me know that this blog isn't just for my own amusement! I'm a nerd--don't judge.

Justice: 1, Sex Offender: 0

I should get my blogging privileges taken away since I rarely do it nowadays. But, on to bigger and better things....

I started my internship at the DA's office last Wednesday. It is seriously one of the coolest, most interesting internships I've ever had. The attorneys in the division I'm interning in are firm believers of learning by doing. Since I'm the only undergrad student in our division (maybe even the only one, period), it takes me a little bit longer to get things than the two other interns that just finished their 2L year. So, I pretty much keep my mouth shut and listen/learn until I'm confused, have a question, or decide to make a joke. I've been shadowing the Chief Prosecutor for the past couple of days. He's this huge black man who looks incredibly intimidating but is one of the nicest, coolest guys I've ever met (even though he gave me roughly 600 pages of sex offender therapy records to read).

Because our office has a "learning by doing" philosophy, the two other interns and I are able to sit and watch a few trials each week. I have already learned so much about court proceedings, motions, subpoenas, witnesses, plea bargains, and a bunch of stuff about the Texas Criminal Code. For some reason I've really enjoyed watching voir dire. Maybe it's because that process isn't something I'm very familiar with at this point. However, I bet I'll be sick of it by the time the summer ends.

Today, one of the interns and I had a huge victory over a printer. How many interns does it take to make a phone call and print a subpoena duces tecum for medical records? Three. (I had no idea there were different kinds of subpoenas until today.)

Also, the Crimes Against Children Unit served up some justice today by locking away a former Yankees player for aggravated sexual assault. Go prosecutors!

So, needless to say, I'm really enjoying this internship and I'm very excited to go to the office every day--even though I have to wake up at 6:30 every morning.

LSAT Over.

Today feels like it has been the longest day of my life. I'm exhausted. And my brain hurts. Drinking ensued the moment I got back to my apartment. However, I didn't feel the immediate need to cancel my score right then and there so I guess that's a good sign. I find out my score on my birthday (three weeks from today) which isn't awesome in the slightest. 

On the bright side: The September LSAT should go much smoother since I now know what to expect!

LSAT

LSAT tomorrow at 12:30pm. Not. Fun.

Sorry I've been slacking on the blogging. I've been studying for this stupid test and acing summer school classes. However, I start my internship at the DA's Office on Wednesday so there should be some interesting stories coming y'all's way soon!

Wish me luck!

23 Hours in San Juan

Boy and I went to San Juan, Puerto Rico for 23 hours this weekend. (We also spent a good 16 hours traveling.) Pictured above is the view from our room at the Ritz Carlton. The hotel was amazing, San Juan is ridiculously fun, and Old Town has so much character. It all got me shitfaced. I guess it can all be summed up by this quote from Boy: "I just asked a trashman where a fun bar is. This should be a classy establishment." 

The trip was incredible and I now want to go somewhere else really really soon. Or go back for like a week instead of 23 hours.

GO MAVS!

Summer break rocks, even though I start another class on Monday. Apparently it's the easiest A ever, which makes me happy. But what rocks even more is living in my own apartment, by myself, with no one around to bitch and complain. I love it. Having my own place is the greatest thing ever.

While the Dallas Stars has a less than stellar season and all of the rookie Cowboys got dominated by the ceiling of the indoor practice facility the other week, we still have hope in the Mavericks! 

Go Mavs!

Oink Oink, Part II

There's a guy in the computer section of the library with a surgical mask on, presumably to protect himself from the evil swine flu. I wonder if he realizes that infected air is getting in through the gaping holes around his face where that mask doesn't touch it?

Run, run for your lives!

Oink Oink

Filled with pirates, tea parties, and the evil swine flu, April was one of the more bizarre months we've had in a while. 

The school district around my campus closed at the beginning of this week until May 11 while my sister's school district canceled classes for next week. This whole swine flu--or "Influenza A" as the WHO is now calling it (because of the mass slaughtering of pigs over in Egypt)--is getting a little out of hand. However, I have deemed "swine flu" synonymous with "fail." Also, my friends and I keep trying to figure out a way to have at least two people at our school contract the illness so that finals will be canceled. We have yet to succeed in that endeavor. 

All I know is that a strong drink had better be in my hand within 30 minutes of finishing my last final on Tuesday. I will not be a happy camper if this goal isn't met.

Lacking motivation

I have a whole lot left to do for a paper due Friday but I cannot find the motivation to finish it. I am totally papered out. 

Today was quite glorious. It was the last day of my internship (until I got suckered into staffing a town hall meeting at the end of next month) and I signed the lease on my new apartment. It is 855 sq. ft. of bachelorette pad awesomeness. Fireplace, balcony, spacious kitchen, HUGE closet, and the pool area is way cool. This makes me less motivated to study for finals because all I want to do is pack all of my stuff and move in. Right now.

It's also rainy outside which makes doing anything but laying in bed watching a movie incredibly difficult. Finals = Boo.

Good luck movin' up 'cause I'm movin' out

Trying to get along with both Blonde roommate and Brunette roommate has crossed the point of no return. So, it's apartment shopping I go! One bedroom, please. Preferably with a pool.

Boy won a $3,000 scholarship and a week's vacation at a beachside condo in Puerto Vallarta tonight at his fraternity alumni event. I'm convinced he doesn't live in the real world. Time for me to get my passport expedited so I can go if it's not a macho guy's trip.

Money in the Bank

I met McProsecutor last night. McProsecutor is an alum of Alpha Gay's fraternity so it was Alpha Gay who introduced me.

McProsecutor is 32 and hot. I think he was surprised that I could keep up with him and even beat him at witty banter. In a congratulatory spirit, he bought me a drink for getting the internship (which he flat out told me he couldn't believe I got because I'm an undergrad). 

Intern-1, McProsecutor-0

It's going to be a hell of a summer.

SeXiGrAnNi@iwantu.com

I love old people with provocative email addresses. I just had to email a Congressional Inquiry form to a one-handed (she lost her right hand years ago) 72 year old woman with "BerryRed" in her email address. Classy, Granny.

On another note:

Dear Case Workers,

I did not sign up for a secretarial internship. I will not schedule appointments for you nor will I call your husband/wife/sister and transfer the call to your office so you can blabber on and on about nothing pertaining to anything important. I will show you how to use a telephone so you can do it yourself. The next time one of them says "Can I talk to So-and-So?" I will respond with "I don't know, can you?" and hang up. Better yet, email them so I don't have to listen to you.

Furthermore, you get paid to do the easiest bullshit work in the world so do your fucking job.

Cordially yours,

The Intern

Blabbering

Life is going by too slow for me at the moment. Maybe I just need something to spice it up, or maybe I'm just having a bummer of a night. I have two obscenely long papers due next week that I really should have started weeks ago, but procrastination is much more appealing than the work itself.

Today I registered for my last fall semester of college. Bittersweet, really. I'm ready to graduate and get on with the next chapter of my life and meet the new people that I will add to my absolutely wonderful collection of best friends. Opposite of the line in a John Mayer song, I've never been that good at being young. I've always wanted to be a few years older, which is why I get along better with those older than me. I guess it's because I like being in control of things and I don't like not knowing what will happen. So, I figure if I could make time go by faster, I would learn where exactly I'm going and when and with whom. Too bad that can't happen. Ah, c'est la vie.

Can it be summer yet? Please? 

You Can't Fix Stupid

Happy Easter/be-lated Passover everyone! 

Dad bought tickets to see Ron White this weekend when he came through Dallas. Dad decided that he didn't want to get arrested for a DWI so we got a limo to take us to dinner and then to the venue. Friday night comes around and we're all excited to go out. We finished all of the alcohol in about 15 minutes and had the limo driver pull into a gas station so we could get more. By the time we got to dinner, we were all feeling pretty silly. So silly, in fact, that out of the two groups of people ushered to the table next to us, both groups asked to be moved to a different table before opening their menus. Dad was the drunkest in the group and proceeded to tell the limo driver to go the complete wrong way and we drove up to the venue an hour(ish) late. We walked in all drunk and goofy, ready to see what was left of the show, only to be told by the people in the lobby that our tickets were for the following night. Fail.

So, Saturday night consisted of the same thing with a few exceptions: We left earlier just incase we went the wrong way again and we went to a different restaurant. Oh, and we actually made the show on time. It was hysterical and I was dying laughing the entire time... totally worth the two nights of getting drunk with the family.

Today's Easter plans consist of curtain shopping and going back to school to work on papers and watching the Masters. What a nice rainy day.

Time Wasted is... Annoying.

I started new hours at work today. The internship coordinator finally realized that I spend five and a half of my six hours doing absolutely nothing (read: briefing myself on the daily world news, Texas criminal law news, DC news, conservative/Republican news, and doing homework when I feel that I'm knowledgable enough about what's going on in the world that day).

Things I have learned from Day 1:

-- My body wakes me up at 8:00am and will not let me sleep past 10:00am.
-- It's very sad when 10:00 is the latest your body will let you sleep in.
-- I seriously need to invest in curtains.
-- There is this new concept called "downtime" and I have no idea how to utilize it. It currently consists of me sitting in front of my computer with the Travel Channel on in the background.
-- Although I didn't figure this out today, I have the travel bug.
-- Even when I cut my hours in half, I still only do no more than one hour of actual secretarial work per internship session (I have deemed this no longer an actual "working" internship).
-- This internship is stupid (not that that's a new idea either) and I can't wait to start my new one at the DA's office.

However, today Dad informed me that we are getting a new puppy in four weeks!!!! I'm not sure I can effectively spell out the excitement that goes with this news. I love puppies, especially those that belong to me. They are the greatest things in the entire world and simply the news of getting a new one has made my day better. We're getting a male Bouvier des Flandres so Macy, our Portuguese Water Dog, will have a buddy. YAY!

Boy and I took a spontaneous date/trip to Winstar Casinos late Thursday night. I'd never been so I attribute my winnings of $88.57 on a penny slot machine to be beginner's luck. We left promptly after I cashed in because we figured we weren't going to get any luckier. Have I acquired a gambling addiction? No way. Gambling makes me nervous because I think it's stupid to lose obscene amounts of money (like $20) in less than seven minutes on two hands of Blackjack. Especially when you pretend you can count cards by thinking 1...2...3...4...5... in your head because no matter how many times Boy tries to explain it, you have no clue what +2 or -1 means. Just because I've seen the movie 21 doesn't mean I get how to win Blackjack.

Awesome Day

I was offered a summer internship in the Family Violence division at the DA's office!!! Yaaaaaaay! I'm incredibly excited, but mostly because I get to work with this really hot prosecutor whom Spliff (or whatever) and I affectionately call, McProsecutor.

The essay test I had to take today was a walk in the park. It was equivalent to free writing for me because I knew all the answers. Even when I walked out of the test my professor said, "Well, shit, you don't look tortured at all!" Truth is- I wasn't tortured. I was calm and relaxed and just enjoyed taking a test for the first time in my life.

Sister is coming to play tonight!! She has a tour of the school tomorrow so she's spending the night with me and meeting Boy at dinner tonight. We all love seafood so it should be a great night. Oh, did I mention that she's rooming with Boy's cousin next year? Hilarious.

I Apologize...

.... I have been slacking on my blogging. Nothing really hilarious worth noting has occurred; however, I did make the moot court team and I'm almost positive that I got the internship at the District Attorney's office! Good news all around!

Update on the Boy... when did I start liking nice guys? He opens car doors and door doors, pulls out my chair, everything. Chivalry has been lost on me for so long that not having to lift a finger makes me nervous and awkward. I'm not sure if he's realized what he's gotten into by dating me... Ruh-roh. 

Beantown

Boston is great and it's not just because last night was St. Paddy's Day. Alpha Gay and I played in Faneuil Hall and met with the owner of the Union Oyster House who is friends with my dad and Grandpa. He's probably hands-down the most interesting guy I've ever met and is currently serving as Consulate to Thailand. We spent an hour and a half with him last night but never actually ate at America's oldest restaurant so that's where we're having dinner tonight. I'm excited; it's supposed to be delicious food.

We walked our own version of the Freedom Trail today before my law school tour. I am infatuated with the school I toured. I loved it. I could totally see myself there studying and hanging out with friends. I'm obsessed with DC but if I get in to the schools I want, it's going to be so difficult deciding which city to live in. Moreover, I haven't even toured the Chicago school I'm looking at yet! Maybe I should start worrying more about the LSAT and less about schools since I won't be able to go to any of them unless I get the score I want.

So, tomorrow it's off to NYC and what should be a very fun two days! Alpha Gay scored us 5th row orchestra tickets to "Mamma Mia" on Broadway for Friday night and I am beyond stoked about it! I loooooooove "Mamma Mia!!" 

The Break of Spring has Commenced

Three tests and an internship interview later, I am officially on a worry-free (as long as I don't forget to pack something, miss my plane, miss my train, get arrested, lose my suitcase, lose my phone, lose my mind, or die) Spring Break! 

I had an interview for a summer internship in my county's District Attorney's office this afternoon. I got good vibes from it and think I just might have it in the bag. They take very few undergrad interns so if I get the internship, it will 1. beef my resume up even more for law school (read: increase my ego), and 2. make me incredibly happy. I should find out by the end of the month. 

So, there's a boy. Boy is taking me on our first date tonight to a nice steakhouse. I love steak. I'm awarding one Cool Point to Boy for picking a good place. Cool Points are equivalent to Schrute Bucks--for those who like The Office as much as me. They don't mean anything but it's fun to give them out.

But regardless of everything said above, the best part about my life right now is that Alpha Gay and I are leaving for Boston on Monday, heading to NYC on Thursday to meet up with Crackberry, and coming back to good ole Tejas on Saturday! Life rocks.

I Rock at Life

My American Law mid-term was tonight at 6. I was super tired when I got home from work so I decided to take a power nap before reviewing my notes for a few minutes then leaving for my exam. Well, that didn't go as planned. 

I woke up at 5:55, confused because it was light outside and I'm so used to going to that class when it's dark. After realizing that I was a moron, I ran to my car and jumped in. The traffic light gods were good to me and I made it to the parking lot faster than I ever have before. I was 10 minutes late to my test. I walked in, apologized to the guy who teaches my class, sat down, and dominated that test. I'm pretty sure I got every question right and I finished before half of the class.

When I went to turn in my test, the guy who teaches my class (I still can't bring myself to call him "Professor") rolled his eyes and gave me a "go to hell" look and I just smiled sweetly as I turned to leave.

And that's how it's done.

You Play Ball like a GIRL!

The Sandlot was on the other night... Hands down one of the best movies ever.

My LSAT prep class teacher is wildly amusing and not at all bad to look at. However, it won't cause a distraction like you'd think it would. He makes boring stuff bearable and I don't have a problem keeping my eyes on the front of the room. I just hope he teaches me how to get the score I want come June 8.

I have three tests this week before my very much needed Spring Break. Aaaaaaaand I get to see Crackberry!!!! 

Side note: I wouldn't mind reducing these people to a mess of glowing rubble.

Dun Dun Dunnnnn....

I'm taking my first practice LSAT in an hour and a half. I've decided not to stress about it since I don't really know what I'm doing in the first place. If all else fails, I've decided it could be mildly entertaining to make pictures with the bubbles on the answer sheet. Wish me luck!

Hi, I'm Gullible

A seemingly old man called the office not too long ago wanting the Congressman to vote for the Viagra law because it was compromising his relationship with his wife. I thought to myself, Viagra law? What Viagra law? I haven't heard anything about that and I'd remember since it's about Viagra and therefore automatically amuses me. (I know I'm mature).

So, I wrote down all of this guy's information while trying not to burst out laughing on the phone and promptly texted my friend after I hung up. He texted me back with "oh yeah that was me, Michael Clayton." I looked over at the message and saw that it was the exact name I had written down. My response: "You asshole."

Don't Misunderestimate My Generation

I was told by the first caller of the day that I should consider moving to Russia, Canada, or Mexico when I'm in my 40's because they take care of all of their citizens over the age of 60. (I commented that Russia and Canada were far too cold for my liking.) He told me that when I am his age, I will be looking to the government to help me out with my bills, medical insurance, ect. and that the United States won't help me because my generation doesn't matter.

Go on to one of those great countries, you goofy old bastard, and let me know just how much you enjoy it.

If I was allowed to do case work, I'd run the shit out of this office. Oh, wait, I'm the only one here... again. I'd better be getting one stellar recommendation.

Okay, fine, not all consitutents are bad. They may give these long-winded speeches about how much they hate illegals (I don't blame them for that one) but when a 76 year-old man tells me at the end: "You've been very kind and such a jewel for listening to this old man's rants. Don't forget that you and your peers with all the energy and all the brains can truly make a difference in America," it makes the aforementioned goofy old bastard's comment about my generation look just plain silly.

Misunderestimate is a great word. Thank you, W., for inventing it.

One Ring to Rule them All

Sunday morning/afternoon hangovers are no fun. Last night was Alpha Gay's birthday party and boy did we all get hammered. Alpha Gay was the worst/best and it was hilarious. Spilff/Spliff/whatever we decided to call her and La Fonda were once again at my side and basically pouring drinks down my throat as if it was my birthday. Needless to say, we all had a great time.  Happy Birthday Alpha Gay!!

I have a dog now. Mom got a job in Hotlanta for two months and her dog, Chester, became a new addition to Blonde, Brunette, and I's little household. He has already taken a shit in the kitchen and barked his head off at Brunette's boyfriend (yes, he's here again) which was absolutely terrible for my hangover. 

Sunday is supposed to be a productive day of doing homework but there's a Lord of the Rings marathon on TNT and I feel like that's going to be way more fun.

Letter of the Day

Contents of a letter we received at the office today, about three-quarters of the way down a sheet of notebook paper torn out of a spiral:

"You need to award every freshman student with a free 40-ounce smoothie from Smoothie King for perfect A's and B's on their report cards."

The senior case worker in the office wanted to take this letter seriously. She tried to defend it by saying that the hand writing looked like it belonged to a little kid. I can find a few issues with that defense:

1. Many of my guy friends have hand writing similar to that kid's. Just because the only male case worker in the office has extremely girlie hand writing doesn't mean all males do.

2. Key word: Freshman.

3. The kid was probably high as a fucking kite and craving Smoothie King. End of story! I am NOT putting that in the computer as a legislative comment and you cannot make me do it.

I also forgot that today was Ash Wednesday and was very very close to telling the male case worker in the office that he had dirt on his forehead when he came into the office after his morning Mass. Thank God I am learning to think before I speak. Additionally, I haven't decided what I'm giving up for Lent. I'm not Catholic. I don't even really care. I just feel that with Spring Break coming up and everything, I should give some kind of food up. 

Seriously?

Update to yesterday's post on H.R. 80: Congress has officially burst the bubble of every person who has ever wanted a monkey as a pet. Sorry, Curious George, you've got to go.

My school hasn't had a moot court team in years and the political science department has decided to create one for next year. Since I'll be a Senior with nothing else on my plate (yeah, right), I've decided to tryout. The case I have to argue is US v. Williams about free speech and the marketing of child porn. Any advice would be fabulous!

I had my very first LSAT-related dream last night. In my dream I had woken up one morning to realize that I was taking the LSAT the next day and I had no idea what I was doing because I hadn't studied at all. Then my alarm went off and I woke up in a slight panic. I assume there will be many similar dreams to come. Bring it on, brain!

I died laughing watching this video earlier. 

Dear Congress,

Stop "considering" stupid bills and work on fixing our country. Thanks.

If anyone calls today about H.R. 80 (aka the Captive Primate Safety Act) I will laugh in their face. Seriously, if you buy any sort of pet with a mind of its own, you automatically assume the risk that your pet might kick your ass. I think the only exception to that would be a fish-- and one without teeth, if we're being technical.

A Math Problem

Two and a half hours of sleep 

+ Ridiculous amounts of studying 

+ Arabic words and names I still can't pronounce 

+ A ton of good luck that my professors wanted to be nice to us 

+ Sexy new Ray Bans 

+ Being an excellent bullshitter 

+ Sam Adams at 3:30 in the afternoon

+ New law school info packets to look through

+ My weekend starting now

= The celebration of kicking ass on both of my tests and thinking life is pretty damn good.

Now, the only thing missing is my happy little self in NOLA for Mardi Gras. Too bad I have this thing called the LSAT to study for. Yay law school!

I Don't Care, I'm Still Correct

As I had expected, my Am. Law class last night yielded fun times. We got to role play! All of his hypotheticals involved the introduction of a new Canon of Construction. In our first case, I got to play prosecutor. I won my case in both the "trial" and "appellate" courts (as if there had been any doubt I wouldn't win in the first place). Since no one in my class likes to talk or participate, I took it upon myself to volunteer for roles in the next few cases and got a couple of eye rolls from the 28 year-old teaching my class. I played the trial judge in one case and the appellate judge in the next. In my decision as the trial judge, I added my own opinion of what I thought the prosecutor forgot to argue. Even though I had disregarded the correct process altogether, I had a valid point. This conversation proceeded:

28 year-old guy teaching my class: Do you know what dictum means?

Me: No.

Him, while laughing: Well, it's part of the judge's decision that is completely irrelevant. It doesn't help the judge come to his decision, it's just something he wants to throw out there to make his decision more painful for us to read. So, thank you for your opinion, Miss Intern, but nobody cares!

-Everyone laughs-

Me: Gah, I'm going to be a great judge one day! I'll be taking campaign contributions after class, thank you!

This reminds me of a time in 8th grade when my English teacher, Mr. I Think I'm Hot Shit, called me an instigator. I didn't know what that meant at the time so I went home and looked it up in a dictionary. Since then, I have thought of that story probably every time I've heard the word.

The moral of the story? I will now forever remember the first time I learned the definition of dictum. Faaaaaantastic.

Oh, and last night I ripped the crotch in my jeans when my foot got stuck and I fell over. Then, five minutes into my first class today, I spilled coffee all down my shirt. What the hell? I'm a mess.

El dia de Presidentes

Which could also be the day of el Presidente margaritas at Chilis. But I digress...

1. Interning for the government is fun because you get so many days off! (You also get don't get paid much. In my case, I work for a great recommendation letter and networking. No moolah.)

2. My American law class is tonight. I'm excited. Good stories should come of it.

And best of all....

3. My very first blog award! This high honor was presented to me by Daisy of Legally Blonde Ambition, who-I must admit-I would love to be friends with if I lived in Chicago. (Maybe in a year and a half?) I read her blog religiously and laugh frequently so you should too! 

However, I wish I knew of eight blogs to pass this onto. Seeing as I've only been on here a month and the only people who know about it are my friends who don't have blogs, maybe this is a chance for my poor little blog to get some comments and some new friends! So, I'm going to follow Daisy's fudging of the rules and say that I will bestow this fabulous award onto anyone who comments. Fire away!

Now for the award (cue the trumpets):

These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

It's true: I have the best dad ever.

I wasn't expecting anything for Valentine's Day except for a nice time with my partners in crime and my Kaplan LSAT book. Then, my dad surprised me at 8:00 this morning! He drove all the way out to my house at school to deliver my Valentine's Day present which consisted of: 

1. A box of assorted Sam Adams.

2. A bottle of Absolut Citron.

3. Small box of assorted Godiva Chocolates

aaaaaaand...

4. My very first piece of Tiffany's jewelry! 

I was so excited to see the robin's egg blue bag and the box with the pretty red bow! Yay. Today has been great.

Shakespeare's... ahhhhh

Even though the ATX might have been the death of me, it was an absolute blast!

We met with the Governor (rich tool whose ass will be dominated by KBH in the gubernatorial election), the Lieutenant Governor (robot who doesn't wear Vineyard Vines ties), Speaker of the House, and various other State Representatives and Senators. The House also passed a resolution in our honor. We're just that big of a deal. The schmoozing part was easy and fun but didn't compare to 6th Street.

Wednesday night was spent at the Four Seasons bar (high class) where I accidently spilled a drink on my lap (not so classy). The company I kept consisted of four guys. I loved my odds. Anyway, we went to a weird techno dance bar first that reminded me of the Eurotrash bar Yeti and I ended up at one night on K Street. We left after one of the guys accidently kicked a beer bottle off the second floor staircase and almost hit some guy (take note of all these accidents). So, we went down the street to Shakespeare's and spent a few hours there. I did my friendly duty of buying a round of shots for our crew. Apparently there were also girls flashing us from the stage. They must not have been impressive enough because I didn't remember that. Oh, and we ate pizza at the end of the night. That is something else I don't remember.... Or, maybe my mind just wants to block out the stripper moments. That has to be it.

The next morning we had to be up at 6:30. That really sucked. Welcome to the real world: You have fun at bars with your friends, then you have to work in the morning! Woo hoo! I feel like a real politician/lobbyist now! 

As exhausted as I was last night when we got home, that trip will forever be one of my favorite trips I've ever taken. And "Shakespeare's" has become a terribly hilarious inside joke for those of us who were there. Awesome trip.

Packing Sucks

Tomorrow I head down to the ATX to see how I do at this lobbying thing. I'm way excited! I also probably won't pack until the last minute. Woo hoo!

I'm pretty bummed because I'm not so sure DC will work out this summer. I have a Hill internship pretty much locked in but they'd only have me work two or three days a week. Laaaaame. I'd like an internship I can actually get something out of, not just do bitch work because I enjoy being a slave. However, I have been talking to people around the area and I might end up clerking for a judge or interning at a firm downtown. It doesn't even compare to the awesomeness that is DC, but I guess it'll suffice as a backup. I love The District. I miss it all the time. I'll keep the blog world updated.

I went to Target this afternoon to get a few things for my trip and almost vomited in the Valentines Day aisle. It was gross. Valentines Day is my least favorite holiday. It's stupid and pointless and it's really not that I'm bitter; I just really dislike all of the pink and frilliness and huge overstuffed bears and jewelry commercials, ect. It's like women will withhold sex if they don't get one of these ridiculous presents. What. A. Joke. Valentines Day is stupid. But! The chocolate goes on sale the day after. Happy February 15, friends!

Today's quote comes from my Presidential Leadership professor, in regards to Thomas Jefferson:

"As a man, you know you've done extremely well for yourself if people are still talking about your sex life 200 years after your death!"

Just One Thing...

DALLAS... ... STARS!!!

4-1 over the Nashville Predators tonight. I was there. It was wonderful. I have got to start going to more games... Only if the real world didn't interfere with them though. Fact about me: I'd rather attend any kind of professional sporting event than go to my stupid sorority meetings. This is exactly what I did tonight. 

It. Was. Totally. Worth. It.

This is a story about some boys from Texas

Who know how to get down

And you know we'll be the life of the party

So let's get this started now!

Toilet Humor

So, I'm sick again. According to a nurse at my doctor's office that I talked to over the phone yesterday, I have a mild case of the flu. But, don't worry, I got my flu shot so it shouldn't get any worse. If it does get worse, I'm stuck with more time in the hospital than I spent in jail that one unfortunate New Year's Day. No one has time for that. The worst part about it is that I can't laugh without it turning into a terrible coughing fit. Come. Freaking. On. I have the same professor for two of my classes (one of the perks of attending a small private school) and he's absolutely hysterical. Every single time I laughed/coughed up a lung, he'd make fun of me which would, in turn, increase my bouts of laugh-coughing. What a fun game that was.

I haven't mentioned my roommates before because I'm afraid they will discover this blog and get pissed. Why? Because of posts like this one: I have a blonde roommate and a brunette roommate. Blonde is single; Brunette has a Jewish boyfriend of roughly 11 months that has told her blatantly that they have no future together because he is Jewish and she is Catholic (say it with me: womp womp). 

Brunette sucks. She's insecure so she tries to belittle me with ridiculous comments that should break a fragile little girl down (one such as herself). I roll my eyes and continue to piss her off and hope she feels better about herself when she says such things to me. At least until I backhand her and she learns her place. (Okay, fine, that's never going to happen; I'll leave it to a future abusive boyfriend. Was that distasteful? My bad.) C'est la vie. Moving on. 

Brunette and I share a bathroom on the first floor of our house. The toilet broke last night. I noticed the break first and decided to deal with it later on in the night once the time suited me. But before I could get to it, Brunette's boyfriend used the toilet and it went psycho on him. Apparently water was coming out from the base of the toilet and it was over flowing and everything. Brunette starts flipping shit... literally shit might've started coming out (I don't know, I stayed in my room pretending to read for class... hell, the toilet wasn't my problem anymore). My room is right next to the bathroom and our walls are thin so I could hear pretty much everything. Here's basically how it went down:

Brunette: FUCK! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! WHY IS IT FUCKING DOING THAT?!

Her Boyfriend: Dude, I don't know. (As he is plunging the toilet.)

Brunette: WHY IS THIS FUCKING HAPPENING?! UUUUUUGH! WHAT DO I DO?! WHAT DO I DO!?

Her Boyfriend: I don't know. Looks like I'm doing everything anyway.

Brunette: WE NEED TOWELS! UUUUUGH! WHY DON'T WE HAVE RAGS OR CRAPPY TOWELS?! I DON'T WANT TO USE THE GOOD ONES! I'LL GET PAPER TOWELS!

Her Boyfriend: Gross! Don't get paper towels. That's disgusting. (He's still plunging away as if his life depended on it.)

Brunette: WELL WHAT DO I DO?! THIS IS A MAN'S JOB! WHAT WOULD I DO IF YOU WEREN'T HERE?!

Her Boyfriend: You'd probably be screaming your damn head off even more. And you'd probably be crying.

Brunette: FUCK YOU, BOYFRIEND! (Slash insert name of her boyfriend there.)

--I stop paying attention for a while and go back to watching South Park.

Blonde Roommate: Did you see what happened to your toilet?

Me: No, why?

Blonde: It's like overflowing and stuff. It's really gross.

Me: Oh, that sucks.

Blonde: Shouldn't you probably be helping or at least doing something?

Me: --Silence--

--Blonde walks away.

I had texted our landlord about an hour prior to Brunette's boyfriend making the toilet break completely. Come to think of it, our landlord never responded. So, essentially, I did help out the situation. I just didn't have to physically deal with it. But now I have to go upstairs to use Blonde's bathroom when I have to piss. That's annoying.

Facebook cracks me up. Correction- OpEds about Facebook crack me up. See below:

You Can't Friend Me, I Quit! - Steve Tuttle

"On Facebook's fifth anniversary, a not-so-fond farewell."

25 Things I Didn't Want to Know About You - Claire Suddath

"People write 25 facts about themselves and post them on their Facebook pages."

A Case of the Mondays

What a beat down today was. I was at my house for a grand total of about one hour today. I left for work at 8:30, got home at 4:30. Changed clothes and made Bertoli pasta (which is delicious, by the way) and finished writing my briefs. Back out the door around 5:30ish for class at 6. Class ended at 8:30 then off to the sorority house for yet another one of the world's most redundant chapter meetings. Finally, home at 10:30.

 This weekend did nothing to normalize my sleep pattern so I was tired as balls at work and didn't want to deal with anyone's shit. I kept making stupid typos on case letters to agencies and constituents and I'd just assign it to a random case worker so they'd have to go back in and fix my mistakes because I was lazy. Whatever. They get paid, I don't. They can deal with it.

However, my Concepts in American Law professor/28 year-old white collar criminal defense attorney (who I really can't bring myself to call "professor" because I have friends that age and older and it just feels too odd to call him "professor") knows my name. And my name only out of the 30-40 kids in my class. I sit on the front row and I answer/ask questions and participate. And my last name is pretty memorable if you know it. Anyway, I now get to play a part in every one of his hypotheticals. It's great because I know he likes me (at least that's the impression I'm getting) and I get to play so many different roles. In one hypothetical, I was suing my ex-fiancee after he cheated on me and broke off our engagement. I wanted to pipe up and tell him that would be impossible because 1. Me? Have a fiancee? HA! Good joke. and, 2. I wouldn't have taken the sonofabitch to court, I would've simply broken his nose or curb stomped him. Or both. (Thanks for the new vocab, Crackberry!) 

Anyway, said 28 year-old who is taking my legal education virginity is a conservative as evidenced by his hilarious view of Californians as "those fucking whackos over there." I have a feeling he and I are going to get along famously this semester.

No Class on Fridays is Great

This story makes me smile and want to cry at the same time. The goodbye's can be so tough but it's the hello's that are better than anything. This story is just so great.

I'm going on an adventure in two weeks to lobby for the Texas Tuition Equalization Grant Program. I was invited by the former Student Body President and the people going aren't the usual people I run around with. So, I'm really excited! And the school is paying for everything. It'll be fun hanging around with people I don't really hang out with and spending two days in the Texas Capitol (which is taller than the US Capitol, lest anyone ever forgets). Plus, who doesn't like schmoozing with lawmakers? Personally, it's one of my most favorite past times. 

Plan E

I was flipping around earlier trying to find something to watch on TV and came across a show on The History Channel discussing the different major theories of how dinosaurs became extinct. It was awesome. 

Dinosaurs have always fascinated me. My parents bought me dinosaur figurines when I was little and I'd go around telling everyone which dinosaurs were which and The Land Before Time movies were my favorite (after The Wizard of OZ, of course). Even now I'll watch shows on The History Channel and The Discovery Channel on dinosaurs, especially the ones about their extinction. It's just incredible that we still have yet to figure out the exact cause of their death. 

So, I've decided that if life plans A.) law, B.) politics, C.) writing and, D.) international call girl all fail me, I'm going back to school to become a paleontologist. Then, I will single-handedly (along with my team of attractive younger male interns) figure out the REAL cause of the dinosaurs' demise. 

I also need to figure out a new life plan because last night I found out that Rep. Aaron Schock (R-IL) is gay. Therefore, I have no chance and we will not be getting married. Ugh. Bummer.

Was it Monday or was it just me?

White Trash Woman: I need help with a prison matter.

Me: Okay, ma'am is it a state or federal prison?

WTW: I'll let you figure that out at the end. First, you have to hear my story.

Me: Alright, go ahead.

WTW [the short version]: My daddy died in prison from liver sorosis. My brother got the same thing when he was in the same prison as my daddy but I got him better by making him drink bottles of aloe vera gel. My son is now in prison-

Me: The same prison or a different one?

WTW: A different one... it's [gives name of prison so I can Google it]. Now, he's had a broken hand since he first got in there almost two years ago and none of the doctors will treat it. And he had a really good job in the kitchen there and had to be up in there at 3:00 in the morning every day. But then, the lunch ladies or whoever the hell they are started telling him to give them sexual pleasure and fuck them or else they're going to report him to the Warden for sexual har-ASS-munt and they'll start a CASE on him. Now, I don't care that he's fucking them. They're actually doing him a favor. I know he likes to fuck and at least I know he's not fucking any of those men he's in prison with.....

WTW then goes on and on with her story and getting more and more upset by the end of it. I had figured out that her matter was of state jurisdiction and we couldn't do anything for her after she told me the name of the prison. So, I had to listen to her talk about this for about ten more minutes before I could tell her to call her State Senator.

THEN

An African-American man who had been convicted and served time for two felony kidnappings (among a few other illegal acts) called wanting God knows what about his Social Security Disability. He yelled at me and told me to stop giving him "the run-around" and giving him "setbacks" while I was trying to tell him that he wasn't in our district so we couldn't do anything for him. He wouldn't hear anything about it so he asked for someone with "ah-thor-ah-teh" in a voice that sounded just like Cartman from South Park. While I was dying laughing, I transfered him to the case worker I was there with. The guy ended up hanging up on the case worker. The guy called back about 15 minutes later and proceeded to yell at me some more before I yelled back at him and finally hung up on him because he was being so unreasonable and difficult to work with. The third time he called, another staffer tried to talk to him and tell him to call the other congressional office in town and after he wouldn't, she told him that he wasn't allowed to call our office again so he hung up on her. We didn't hear from him again for the rest of the day.

Did these crazy people call because it's a Monday or did they call just because they know I'm working? The case worker told me they haven't gotten such crazy calls before I started interning there. I attract the crazies. No wonder I'm still single.

Crazy Friday

It was just that kind of day were the most random people called the office. It was just the 28 year-old case worker and I today and we laughed for about 15 minutes straight after our very first caller of the day:

Me: Good morning, office of Congressman Badass.

Indian Man: Yes, I have a question. I have three wives over in India and I was wondering if it was okay if I married another one.

Me: Well, yes, that's okay if it's legal in India. Are you a permanent resident or a citizen?

Indian Man: I'm a permanent resident.

Me: Do you have a wife here?

Indian Man: We recently got divorced. [I'm hoping this was after she found out about his three other wives.]

Me: Okay, very good. Is there anything else?

Indian Man: Yes. Can I bring my wives over?

Me: Um. No... That's illegal in the United States. You can being one over but...

Indian Man: Oh, no, that's okay. That's fine. I'll just pick my favorite one and the rest can stay there. Thanks! -Click.-

WHAT?! We talked about that exact type of situation in my globalization class but I never thought I'd ever encounter it in person. Ri-damn-diculous. 

I also found this hilarious video this morning... High Five!

Girl, breaking's what your heart is for.

La Fonda: Do you know where the moon is?

I hesitantly point straight up to the ceiling with a "wtf?" look on my face.

La Fonda: No, you idiot! I know where THAT moon is! I was talking about the bar!

There's nothing like a little humor to start a blog post. 

I had a quasi-meltdown last night. It was like BAM! everything I have to do this semester (aka the world) settled itself squarely on my shoulders and I stumbled. I don't like stumbling or faltering or anything of that sort. I'm a composed, driven person who knows what she wants and how to get it...

Except some things just seem so far out of my reach and out of my control. Feeling out of control is horrible. 

Last night I had the same dream I've had about 4 or 5 times in the past couple of months. I went to this dream interpreter to try and decipher the code my noggin is giving me. Here's the short version: I'm apparently fucked up in the head. The weirdest part about it is that the symbols supposedly mean a lot of stuff that's completely relevant to my life right now. It's kind of like when you read a horoscope that just so happens to coincide with how you're feeling about life at that point in time. AND today when I was at yoga, the instructor read this little passage thing at the end of the class and I felt like she had picked it specifically for me. It was eerie. 

So, now I take a breath and another step forward...

Overwhelmed.

UPS brought my LSAT prep kit today. I don't think a stack of books has ever intimidated me before until I saw this massive mountain of LSAT goodies.

What have I gotten myself into this semester?

What a Pleasant Surprise...

I made the Dean's List last semester! Huh. Who would've thunk that after failing Elementary Statistics my freshman year I'd eventually make it onto the Dean's List. Not me. I'm very proud of myself though... It's like a monumental achievement for me and provides excellent motivation for this semester. Which means I will have absolutely no social life.

Alpha Gay and I went to look at a two-bedroom apartment today in a really nice new complex. We sort of fell in love with one of the setups. And it'd only be about $100 more a month for me minus the high maintenance psychotic roommates I currently live with. Daddy, lets weigh the options! 

Sidenote: I really don't like calling my dad "Daddy." It's too girlie and helpless like "oh I can't do anything with my life ever which is why I'm here for my MRS degree so someone else can pay for my high-end lifestyle after I graduate." "Dad" is just a stronger, more respectful way without the ridiculousness of "Father." Dad is Dad. End of story.

Gimme, gimme, gimme...

We've figured out nicknames for my two partners in crime who are back from a semester in Italy and ready to roll (read: hang out together and complain about how much we'd rather be in a cooler place than this). Also, we as in my two friends and I... just to clarify.

LaFonda is a saucy soul out of Tulsa and is always the last one standing with me at parties. Think Spring Break sophomore year at this dude's house getting completely shut out at beer pong and all of the guys telling us we had to do a naked run around the house. Turned out the guys insisted on doing the naked run themselves... It's not like we cared at all; They were all swimmers and had gorgeous bodies. And she was the only one who spent the night at their house with me. But I think that could've been because our friends didn't want to come pick us up. Hmm. Anyway, LaFonda, despite the nickname, is white and goofy as all hell. I'm glad to have her as a friend.

Spilf (I think? It's German... whatever.) or Chickitita (we haven't officially decided) was my roommate last year. We grew up in the same town together and have grown into great friends. A piece of me was missing when she was away in Italy and I'm very glad to have her back. Not only is she the most fashionable person I know, she actually has real interests such as any kind of gossip, politics, and legal issues. Mostly celebrity gossip thought. She's addicted. But, I love her anyway.

Crackberry called me last night so I could confirm that we didn't hook up this summer and haven't, well, ever. I guess his lady friend didn't seem to believe his story that our relationship is platonic. And she's not the first one to think otherwise which is weird. I think people would figure out that it's a bit difficult to keep up a sexual relationship when you're 1400 miles away from someone. Guess not. It does really suck being so far away from one of my really good friends. I don't like that part at all.

On a more immediate note: Alpha Gay and I secured our tickets for Spring Break. Boston and New York City had better watch out because we'll be there in two months!

Yeti: whats the point of being with someone for an extended period of time if you dont see it going somewhere? esp by the time you're my age

Says the 24 year-old. 

Shkibaaaaaaa.

I'm currently in the office. Alone. All alone. All alone and so incredibly bored. Today's entertainment: A lady and her family from Afghanistan are having issues with USCIS, not unlike most people who go to their Congresspeople for help. USCIS = US Citizenship and Immigration Services (for those new to the program). Apparently this lady isn't very tech savvy because she faxed 17 pages over here one by one. And let me tell you, our fax machine is one of those really annoying HP ones that has a ridiculous ring to it. I wanted to go all Office Space on its ass and murder it.

I think I get to leave early because all I'm doing is answering the phone and occupying space. I hope I do. I'm bored.

Update: The lady faxed 19 pages over. I figured out about a half an hour later that the fax machine was out of paper and out came two more glorious pages from her. I didn't get to leave early either. It's Friday at 5:00 and I could settle down with a good book and be okay for the night. I'm lame.